TheChez.net

by Hydro033

Where to start with this shit pile? Hmm… I’ll do the good first. Obviously, Megan Fox looked hotter than ever thanks to her new breasts and perked up lips. Transformers still featured some of the best special effects and graphics of any movie around. The action was intense; many things did blow up. The choreography of the fight scenes was fantastic. Who knew transformers were so graceful? Like ninjas they were. Davy Jones made a cameo appearance in Jetfire, the pirate-like Transformer and former Decepticon (the Blackbird). Sam’s parents are entertaining on the screen. I really like his mom’s character. She’s an outright hilarious fool, but she may go too far sometimes. A lot of the acting improved from the first movie, notably because there was a lot less of Tyrese Gibson, who, while on screen, still sucked balls with his bogus one-liners. That’s all the good, so now onto the bad…

I’m not a Tranformers fanboy, but I can just imagine the damage they did to the Transformers Canon. The damage seems severe and after a few wikipedia stops, I realized that many characters only retained names and not much else. One thing that did surprise me was the Megazord-like Decepticon. I though I was watching Power Rangers for a second, but there actually was a Decepticon with that ability in the Transformers Canon. I bet he didn’t eat stuff… but still. Also, that’s another thing. The Tranformers were much less personal this time around. After leaving the movie, I still didn’t know half of their names. There were countless Decepticons that were nameless. I felt as though they threw as many Transformers onto the screen as possible rather than developing the characters of specific Transformers. The only Transformer that had a personality was Optimus and he was dead more than half the movie.

And I didn’t care that he was dead either, because this movie just didn’t “move” me. The Decepticons were aiming to destroy the Earth but it just didn’t seem like a big deal. The movie failed horribly trying to evoke any emotion out of the audience. When it did, it was just a corny and awkward relationship between Sam (Shia LaBeouf) and Mikaela (Megan Fox). Also, what the hell was with the “Fallen?” He was a single Transformer? Not a group of Decepticons? That was stupid. The Fallen’s relationship with Megatron reminded me of the Darth Vader/Emperor relationship from Star Wars. That’s the second time I forgot which movie I was watching. Not a good start.

The movie introduced a lot more clichés than the previous film. I don’t know why any director would add more clichés to a sequel, I guess he’s just an idiot. The entire plot was just a mess. The entire story wasn’t revealed until the last 45 minutes. Right near the end of the movie, extremely important plot elements were thrown in from all different directions that weren’t even mentioned previously. It was just stupid.

The acting in the movie was better than the first movie, but that’s not saying much at all. Shia LaBeouf, Tyrese Gibson, and Megan Fox all sucked. Megan Fox did do a lot better than the first film in which she was just atrocious. Shia LaBeouf tries to be this awkward kid but just fails miserably. His roommate, Leo Spitz (Ramon Rodriguez), was much better and funnier. One of the worst moments for LaBeouf was when he had seizure-like episodes. It was just plain stupid watching his eyes blink and mouth pop. I wanted to hit him. It’s too bad that the relationship between LaBeouf and Fox didn’t seem real, because there was potential there, but it felt out of place, awkward, and just plain wrong. Their characters just don’t fit together romantically.

I have a whole spiel about black people with reference to this movie. First, Tyrese Gibson sucks at acting. His stupid one-liners just need to stop. He makes the soldiers look like idiots. It’s too bad he was still in this movie at all. Second, those twin robots, Mudflap and Skids, embodied a black stereotype. They tried to be funny, but ended up being completely annoying. They had gold teeth, talked in Ebonics, and when asked if they can read this ancient Transformer language they replied: “Oh reading? We don’t do much of that.” Who wrote their dialogue? He’s a racist. The dialogue in the entire movie was GOD AWFUL. Third, where was that fat black hacker guy? He was funny in the last movie and him and that blonde chick were totally absent this time around.

The movie just wasn’t that good. There was a moment when the movie seemed to suggest that Transformers were deities. Tyrese even supplied a dumbass one-liner to supplement that. Also, the movie suggested that there are hotter women than Megan Fox by having a seductive teenage college girl named Alice (Isabel Lucas) come onto Shia LaBeouf. Well, there isn’t anyone hotter than Megan Fox. College girls are not that horny either. If only college girls were that horny and did go for awkward guys that are complete losers, then I wouldn’t have had to try so hard to get a girlfriend. “But didn’t you know that she was *&$%%$^*%&…..”  I know shut up, I saw the movie. That was stupid too.

In the end, I couldn’t decide whether the movie was trying to be a comedy, drama, or action movie. I still think it was slightly better than the first just because there was less human acting and especially less Tyrese Gibson this time around. Save your cash, 3.5 out 5 Chezwicks. (please keep in mind, the Chez.net uses a reverse rating system.)