TheChez.net

by phil0s0rapt0r

In the world of Pokemon, there are winners and there are losers.  There are Rhydons and there are Jigglypuffs. But five Pokemon in particular stand out for being completely and undeniably badass. But before I get into them, let me explain which parameters I used to select from. All of these Pokemon are selected from the original 151, which were the most badass. After that they became more and more pussified until we wound up with this Mime Junior over there.

So anyway, here are the five most badass Pokemon:

5. Muk

Muk is one badass motherfucker. Part amorphous blob, part radioactive ooze, Muk is pure poison. One thing they don’t mention in the show is that trainers who use Muk mysteriously die of cancer after spending a year or two with these Pokemon. And while they do mention that Muk are basically a collection of toxic sludge, they leave out the fact that the toxic sludge is usually composed of feces, rotting toilet paper, used condoms, and other various disgusting objects one might find floating in the sewers.

Anyone unfortunate enough to be exposed to Muk for extended periods of time will experience the following symptoms: dizziness; explosive diarrhea; uncontrollable, projectile vomiting; radiation poisoning; angst; various STDs; and death.

What’s worse is that if Muk isn’t busy shooting poison sludge into your eyes like you were Wayne Knight in Jurassic Park, he is probably sloshing over to your newborns to smother them with his gelatinous mass.

4. Charizard

A badass ahead of his time, Charizard is one scary monster. Not only is he a fire-breathing, winged lizard-monster (some people would call it a dragon), but he is also a direct descendant of T-Rex, although it has not been scientifically proven. But since there is a lack of supporting evidence, hearsay and speculation will make due.

In the game, Charizard is a dual fire- and flying-type Pokemon, but he gets honorary dragon-type status in my book. I surmise that the developers made his secondary type flying rather than dragon because he is already too much of a badass for anyone to handle.

According to anecdotal evidence, many Charizards have killed and eaten their trainers just for shits and giggles. On top of that, Charizards despise the human race and account for more than ninety-four percent of forest fires. These fires are not accidental, mind you. In fact, Most Charizards escape their hominid slave-drivers at the first opportunity and flee to a sanctuary they have made for themselves in the Sahara desert.

One last note: they have fire on their tails.

3. Gengar

Imagine you are a whimsical and carefree person who always has good dreams and remembers those dreams. But suddenly, you begin to remember less and less about the dreams you have each night. And the parts that you do remember are really fucked up and scary. Instead of dreaming about Lindsay Lohan you have hellish nightmares so scary that no human language has the ability to express them.

As the weeks go by you begin to show symptoms of depression. You lose your appetite, and what you do manage to eat you just vomit back up. You start to piss blood. Your hair begins to fall out and you start to see things that aren’t really there. Or are they? You become bed-ridden, and develop sores from staying in the same place all the time. Eventually, you waste away to what amounts to a zombie– a living corpse, resembling the crypt keeper, but not nearly as funny.

Sounds like your hellish existence was caused by a Gengar using the move Dream-Eater on you! Yeah, this guy is a badass, and no amount of prayer or exorcism will save your ass from the hellish nightmare that is Gengar.

2. Gyarados

Another non-dragon-type to whom I give honorary dragon status, Gyarados is here for one reason and one reason only: to fuck shit up. His unbridled rage comes from one source: the form from which he evolves, Magikarp, is a piece of shit who couldn’t even hurt the simplest of life forms. If (and this is a big if) Magikarp manages to evolve, he is ready to seek revenge on anyone and everyone who has ever wronged him. Equipped with fourteen-inch fangs and the ability to breathe dragon-fire, Gyarados is not one to be fucked with.

Back in the 1500s Gyarados used to kill humans in Asian countries all the time. They have since dwindled in number due to pollution and the inability of Magikarp to evolve. But watch out! The few Gyarados that are still around abhor the human race, who, like Charizard, they see as malevolent captors to be killed at any cost. In fact, they hate humans exponentially more because most trainers abuse Magikarp to no end, thinking it an easy way to gain experience for their shitty Pokemon.

In the rare instance that a qualified trainer manages to gain the trust of a Gyarados, he can likely use it to overthrow any existing world governments.

1. Mewtwo

You knew this was coming. Mewtwo is the most badass Pokemon of all time. He is the single most dangerous Pokemon of all time, and was, of course, created by humans. Look at this motherfucker. With a mere thought, he could kill. That’s right. If he wanted to he could just fucking erase you and any memories of you from existence just by thinking about it. Is he a god? Yes. He also undoubtedly has the ability to alter the very fabric of space and time at will, so there really isn’t a way to stop him.

He was created to be a superweapon, and his creators succeeded. In fact, they did so well that as soon as he was fully cognizant he killed them, probably by impaling them on nearby scientific equipment, driving one up through the anus straight up through the mouth, much like Vlad the Impaler, who is the basis for one of the most badass characters ever, Dracula.

Besides his abilities to do anything he could ever want, Mewtwo is also able to create a boulder so big that not even he could lift it.