TheChez.net

by phil0s0rapt0r

I don’t know about you, but I used to watch Saturday morning cartoons. They were the highlight of my weekend when I was younger. I remember one cartoon in particular– Scooby Doo, Where Are You?– taught me some very valuable life lessons.

1. Oftentimes, the “bad guys” are prominent public figures.

How many times have those meddling kids unmasked some sort of grotesque monster, only to discover that behind the mask was some trusted public official or prominent member of society? Mayor Smith, the clerk from the candy store, or even Father Flynn turn out to be the real bad guys. Too frequently the swamp monsters of this world are people we previously put our trust in, and Scooby Doo made sure we knew it.

Think for a moment. How many times have you seen the CEO of a company (Ken Lay, Martha Stewart et al.) indicted because they wanted too much? And how many times have you heard of sex-abuse scandals in the Catholic Church? The politician on a moral crusade against homosexuality and the sanctity of marriage who is either found to be soliciting sex in public restrooms or carrying on elaborate affairs with public money? Or the robust Italian butcher who has been feeding human flesh to his patrons for over seventeen years? Quite a lesson in sociology, quite a lesson indeed.

2. Divide et impera: sometimes it’s better to split up.

Freddie, Daphne, Shaggy, and Velma, along with their “pet” (Ironically, it seems as though they were Scooby’s pets…) would, more often than not, split up to find the monsters. While this is not always a good idea, it worked for them, and it can work for you, too. Here’s how: buy my book, 10 Secrets Every Ghost Hunter Should Know-

Anyway, like I was saying, the gang would usually split up into two or three different groups in order to catch the bad guys. Freddie, Velma, and Daphne would diligently hunt for clues while Scooby and Shaggy smoked a bowl and got the munchies. But through some twist of fate, each time good old Scoob and Shag would end up catching the criminals (often by accident). Somehow, the daring duo would manage to navigate some derelict factory, old mansion, or secret lair while completely fucked out of their minds.

3. It never hurts to check the same place twice.

I can recall several instances (by this I mean at least twice an episode) where the gang would end up examining something suspicious, only to declare that there was nothing to see there, and move on. And like, come on, people. As soon as they walked past, a ghost or something would jump out of the very hiding place they were looking at! It got them every time. Damn.

4. Don’t always ignore the peanut gallery.

Scrappy Doo proved to be a very valuable addition to the gang. He kept his head in dire situations and often solved crimes that Scooby was unable to, whether due to a lack of diligence or just because Scooby was always high. I heard somewhere that Scrappy was the villain in the second live-action movie, but we can’t trust that because that shit was just fucked up. I wouldn’t be surprised if kids cried after watching that crapfest.

5. When the going gets tough, call in the professionals.

If my memory serves me correct, the Harlem Globetrotters aided the crime-solving kids at least once in their careers.

6. Secret passages are more common than you think.

Every shelved book, marble bust, or fireplace facade is a potential activation point for a secret passage. It’s a well-known fact that when villains build their secret lairs, the first thing they consider is secret passage placement. However, most villains fail to be unique, and put their passages in the same old locations. Seriously, how many times do people need to pull an end book from a shelf only to have it open a passage the cocaine storage room before people learn?

7. A little mind expansion never hurt anyone. Well, it never hurt Shaggy.

As established before, the fantastic duo liked to smoke grass. A lot. In fact, I would go so far as to say that they were probably selling the stuff, too. But that’s beside the point. I’d like to see a reunion episode where the cast comes together and Shaggy talks about his drug addiction and Velma her lesbianism. Daphne would be conspicuously absent, but there would be little more than a brief mention of this. Scooby and Scrappy would be dead by this point, considering the lifespan of canines; their stuffed corpses would be wheeled into the room on rollers. The special would end up with Freddie, who is fat and washed up, admitting that he harbored homoerotic feelings toward Shaggy. Also, he would confess to sodomized the dogs on several occasions.