By: A schizo asian

Power rangers used to be so fucking cool.  It was totally awesome to see a group of teens using flips and shit to pullverize baddies.  Each episode was full of disgusting monsters that seemed to crawl out of your toilet; puddies poppin out of orifices and shit; the pink ranger was totally bangin and used a huge cocklike bow (is that wrong?); there was a floating hologram named Zordon (coolest fuckin name ever); and the arch-nemis had gigantic Z on his head.  I mean, c’mon, even look at this poster.  I repeat: totally awesome.

With the advent of newer rangers and crappier writers, the show has started to see a smaller, shitlike audience.  A shitlike actors.  And shitlike story.  And shitlike effects. The girls aren’t even hot.  However, despite these recent, blatant sodomies to the human race, no one could ever degrade the kind of twinkle and sparkle the original Power Ranger series had.  So with that, here are the Top Five Badasses from the Power Rangers.

5. The Lord Zed 

What a badass mutherfukka.  He was made for a single reason: to fuck shit up.Damn son, if I ever bore a child like that, I would just kill myself cause he would shove his Z right up my ass.

Zedd is the self proclaimed all-powerful “Emperor of Evil” and “sworn enemy of all that is good and decent”. He simply appeared out of the cosmos, like God, just spontaneously being.  He was disgusted with the notion that the Power Rangers were still living. Stripping Rita of her powers, he shrunk  her down size of a Barbie, and caged her in a gerbil cage.  Eventually, after raping Rita, he hurled her off into space.  She was never seen again.

In fact, he was such a frightening badass that after the first few episodes of him being on, parents actually complained that he was “too evil”  and “too scary” for the show.  Thus, they tone him down a bit.  What you see on the left is the toned down version of the Lord Zedd.  Imagine what he was like before the censorship.  That’s right.  Badass.  Like pure evil badass.

4. The Gold Ranger

Gold is probably one of the coolest colors out there.  Mix that with super morphing time watches andyou get a badass Gold Ranger.  For those of you who don’t know, the gold ranger was actually Jason, the previous red ranger.  Very few details are known about this guy.  He lies in the shadows until it’s time to kick ass.  He wields a power gold power staff which was used as a pure blunt, petal to the freaking metal club, or a laser shooter.

To be mysterious is to be badass,; it’s just titilizzing.  The veil behind his background peaks your interest which is why he is number 4.

3. The Pink Ranger

This ranger had a bow, erm, and shot arrows.  Uh, she was pink and girlish.  She enjoyed, urhm, spas and stuff….and she, uhh…Okay, admittedly, she was not badass.  She was puny, rarely did anything but stand their and take hits, and it seemed like her arrows never did anything to the monsters. But you have to admit she had a  bad ass.  And in case your thinking that I only put her because she was hot and wanted her to play with my bow and shoot arrows, you are dead wrong.  She was gymnist as well and was able to stretch and stretch and stretch.  Gigidy goo baby.

2.  The Red Ranger

It is hard to deny it. With a tight red shirt, ripped muscles, and the voice of God, Jason had pussy-magnet written all over him.  He was the leader of the Power Rangers, taught karate to youngster in his community, and held a fuckin master belt in the martial arts.  Not just karate, or Tae Kwon Do, or Ju Jit-su. But the fuckin martial arts itself. 

Not only that, he was the only ranger who stood a chance against the powerful green ranger.  Using the spirit of the Tyranorsaurus Rex, he wield the power sword to split his enemies down the middle. Yes, that was a sexual remark.  No, I am not gay.  At the power ranger convention, the Red Ranger was named #1 Ranger of all time.  Yet, in the eyes of an asian attuned only to detect badassness, he falls short of…

1. Tommy, the rainbow-freakin’colored ranger

God, some people just have it all.  Looks.  Smarts.  A talking dagger.  A huge robot. All the colors in the world. It’s just not fair.    This guy, Tommy, has been in almost every single Power Ranger Series to date.  First green, then white, then a white ninja, then red, then red neoagain, then black dino, then  just a normal guy still kickin ass.  He is, bar none, the most popular and beloved ranger ever to come to fruition.  He is an incredible martial artists an is one of the few rangers ever to take on monster without having to morph into a ranger. Whenever the regular cast was getting raped by the monster, he would show up and kick the shit out of it.  By himself.  He is a modern day Hercules.

Over the years, fans have been craving for his return once more, in order to put life to the dying animal that is its current series.

However, most importantly, this guy banged Kimberly.  Like all the time.  This alone puts our hero, the man of many colors, at the tope of our list. Badass.