TheChez.net

by ssjrem

Well, given the time of the year and all, I figured that a blog of this sort would be pretty fitting, no? After having recently come to the conclusion that I am in fact an atheist (see my “Defining Disbelief” blog) I’ve been rethinking a lot of things. They do get a lot deeper and more meaningful than thoughts about something like Christmas, but this idea suddenly popped into my head, so I’m just going to run with it. Plus, I’d like to get it out just in time for Christmas. So, I’m going to talk about growing up as a Christian and celebrating Christmas. I’ll discuss what it meant to me as a kid and how that’s changed over time. Ultimately, I’ll go over what Christmas seems to mean to me now and how exactly that makes me feel. I’ll suppose I’ll also discuss the whole “taking Christ” out of Christmas thing. I must confess that I end up winging most of my blogs and they thus have little to no organization. Sue me. Let’s begin.

I loved Christmas as a kid. I thought it was the greatest thing ever. The degree to which it blew away all other holidays was simply astounding. Nothing came close. Not Easter, not Halloween, not the Fourth of July. It was all about Christmas. As a kid, for the most part, I’ll be honest and admit that it was pretty much entirely about the presents for me. I never much cared for anything about the holiday. As greedy and materialistic as it was, I just wanted presents. Can you really blame me? I was just a little kid? I find it strange that as a kid and into my adolescence, I was actually rather religious. There was something about it I rather liked. I liked thinking of Christmas as a celebration of the birth of Jesus. I knew that always made my mother happy. When I was quite young, it was about presents. When I was a bit older, maybe abound eight to twelve years old, I actually liked feeling all religious around Christmas time.

As I began the road toward Atheism when I was thirteen, Christmas by necessity had to begin to take on a different meaning. As I grew so angry and spiteful toward Christianity, the great holiday that is Christmas was the one thing that always seemed to bring me back. I also went with my family to Christmas Eve mass. And when I was there early in my teenage years, I would often find myself somewhat repentent and I did feel somewhat of a genuine longing to return to my more devout earlier days. But this waned more and more as the years passed as I found myself growing increasingly apathetic toward Christmas. The mass on Christmas Eve started to fail to move me in the slightest and I found that this fact somewhat depressed me. I actually wanted to feel something. I wanted to be moved.

My family has a number of traditions and customs relating to Christmas time, many of which I’ve long held sacred. We always went together to get our Christmas tree. Then we’d get together on Christmas Eve and put up all of our ornaments while listening to Christmas music. I’d watch A Christmas Story at least three times. I always went over early to church with my mother to save seats. We’d go down to my grandmother’s afterward and have a little dinner. On Christmas morning, my mom would make her special holiday eggs and I and the family would feast upon them. Then I’d open my presents. Following that, the whole family would gather and exchange gifts to one another. We’d go into a room devoid of TV or music; we’d just the company of one another. I liked that.

For a while, it seemed these traditions were enough for me. Christmas was secularized long ago and has little connection to Jesus anymore. That could be viewd as sad, but I don’t really mind. Is it so wrong for the holiday to evolve? It still inspires a spirit of giving and goodwill and all that stuff. Though, the ravenous shopping might not fit that exactly. It has all the connotations and customs that have nothing to do with Christianity. Snow, Santa Claus, Christmas trees all have more or less nothing to do with Christmas. And besides, Christmas began more or less as a celebration of the winter solstace or at the very least a way to compete against pagan celebrations of the solstace. So, I have to ask, is it really so bad what Christmas is becoming?

I say it’s no so bad mostly because, I suppose, I still want to feel some of the Christmas “magic.” I suppose it’s not entirely gone from me. I must confess that some Christmas TV specials and movies have actually made me tear up or cry in the recent past. Though, for some reason, I seem to actually cry somewhat easily when it comes to movies sometimes. I digress. I usually feel something, some shred of Christmas spirit, at least a few times, at least in fleeting. But this year? Nothing. Not a shred. Though, it is only very early morning on Christmas Eve. I suppose there is a possibility that the festivities could awaken within my heart some sort of dormant Christmas spirit, but for me to have to felt nothing…. it depresses me.

So, I suppose that my atheism does come at a price. I find myself lately wondering, what exactly do I get in return? What is granted me by becoming an atheist? Am I really so enlightened, am I so much much logical and intelligent than the countless religious persons out there in the world? Perhaps they are in fact happier than I am. And for one as obsessed with mortality and death as myself, what comfort can I gain from believing that once I’ve died, that’s truly it? It’s over. But I cannot return to religion. Not now, at least. Perhaps later in life, when I’m scared and lonely and desperate for some sort of reason or justification for a life I’ve by then deemed meaningless… maybe I’d return to religion. But it would be for all the wrong reasons. So I suppose I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t. Perhaps literally. In my opinion, religion and especially Christianity are outright ridiculous and I find rather embarassing on humanity’s part that religion endure in todays society. But as much as I bash, as much as I’ve become more outspoken in my lack of religion, in some ways, I find myself envious of the religious.

As much I’ve turned away from religion, I can still wholeheartedly understand why people continue to be religious. And I won’t lie in saying that as an atheist, I can’t help but feel somewhat haughty sometimes, like I’m better than the ”foolish sheep” that follow organized religion. But then I take a step back, look at myself in and recoil in disgust. Does atheism really make me any better or worse. Just because Christmas spirit has mostly left me and I feel utterly nothing for a holiday that once made the world to me, does that as a whole make me less happy? Does it make me less fulfilled? Hell, I’ve never been happy, even when I was a devout little Christian back in the day. For more or less all my life, I’ve felt some sort of hole, longing to be filled. I know now that religion cannot fill that and I do not know what can.

Religions don’t make any sense to me, especially in today’s world. ”Christ” pretty much has largely been taken out of Christmas. And I’m okay with that. I suppose  I can get by merely on family traditions and togetherness. I do really love getting the whole family together and giving gifts to others. I’ll admit that I’m a greedy little bastard and I do love getting presents. I’m rather materialistic. As sick as it might be, I think I might buy happiness. Give me 100 million dollars and loads of stuff, I’d probably be happy. But I can’t know for sure. I guess I’ll have to get rich and see for myself. Christmas still is important to me, though not nearly as much as it once was and now for drastically different reasons. If most people really took some time and really, really thought about and actually researched Christianity with an open mind, I have little doubt most will realize that it makes no sense.

But I suppose I’m realizing that that’s not the point. It’s not necessarily supposed to make sense. Ignorance is bliss. Even if many religious people admitted it doesn’t make sense, they probably still would turn away from their respective religion because it means more to them than something that can be debunked or thought about rationally. I think that’s a bullshit cop out, but whatever. I hope that religion one day dies out, but that is a long day coming, one which humanity probably won’t even see. But I merely ramble now. My apologies. If I’ve offended you, I can’t really apologize. These are merely my views. I understand why religion exists. I understand why it persists. I understand why I feel the need to find an alternative meaning to something that meant so much to me as a child. I don’t really think a lot of it makes much sense, but at the very least I understand. And people really do have the right to believe what they want, so I’m not going to try to convert anyone, as vehemently as I disagree.

This blog didn’t come out anywhere near as well as I wanted it to. That’s what I get for winging it. I gotta start doing outlines and planning these things out or something. Whatever. I’m out. Merry motherfucking Christmas.