TheChez.net

by ssjrem

Ssjrem’s box office wrap-ups make their triumphant return! And with good reason, I suppose, as we have experienced one hell of a weekend here. I took several weeks off partly because I got lazy and partly because no one outside of The Chez staff actually reads these. Mostly the latter. Anyway, from the very first time I got any information about Alice in Wonderland (thank you Hydro for your preliminary blog several months back), I kept thinking to myself that it looked fucked up beyond all recognition. FUBAR, if you will. And lo and behold, it has an absolutely gargantuan opening, one of the largest of all time. Just hand me the fucking noose already. Humans are a lost cause.

Alice in Wonderland

Normally, I provide either a poster for a film or an image of an attractive female in skimpy clothing. Or Gerard Butler. But, for Alice, fuck it, it doesn’t deserve it. I just don’t understand who the audience for this film is. Who in their right mind would watch that trailer and actually want to go see this film? Who the fuck would think this doesn’t look profoundly fucked up. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (the full title of the original book) is fucked up to begin with. Toss Tim Burton in there and it’s a recipe for fucking disaster. I saw last week that people were throwing predictions in the 70 million range and I was wondering what the hell was wrong with them. So what does Alice make? Fucking 116 million dollars! It beat Avatar by nearly 40 million? Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck? Seriously, is this just a gigantic fucking joke? I don’t get it. Every time I don’t understand things like this, I then calm down and remind myself, “Oh right, human beings are idiots.” And then it makes sense.

116 million is the biggest debut ever for a non-sequel. It trounces Avatar. The 116 million is the normal weekend estimate that’s released on Sunday, but I have a strong feeling the actual total will come in lower than that. A film like this has to be more frontloaded than they’re projecting and it seems like the studio is totally disregarding the fact that the Oscars are tonight, which is usually quite detrimental to films (somewhat ironic, I suppose). But maybe this is just wishful thinking. Even if it is grossly off, the total will absolutely be above 100 million, which is a despicable reflection on what kind of films Americans tend to like. I can only hope that there was incredible upfront rush and Alice will crash and burn in the weeks to come. Oh and that reminds me. The film is called Alice in Wonderland, right? Funny, because based on all the advertising, I really would’ve thought it was called The Mad Hatter. And it’s funny, I didn’t know Johnny Depp was literally the only person in the entire movie. But that’s what the advertising would have you believe. Whatever, fuck it. Excuse my ranting. No, on second thought, don’t excuse it. I meant everything I said. Fuck this movie. Fuck it to hell.

Brooklyn’s Finest opens in second with a fairly sold gross, apparently catering to the crowd of people that enjoy films that aren’t profoundly fucked up. It opened 13.5 million, not bad. It’s only got a 36% at Rotten Tomatoes, though.

After two weekends on top, Shutter Island falls to third, slipping 41% to 13.3 million. It’s up to 96 million and will get over a hundred in a few days. The fact that Alice made twenty million more in one weekend than Shutter has in three is extremely depressing.

Cop Out fell 50% to 9.2 million for a total now of 32 million. Not bad. Looked stupid as hell, but whatever. Nowhere near as bad as Alice.

In its twelfth weekend, Avatar is still sticking around in the top ten. Another 7.7 million this weekend and its colossol total is now up to 720 million. Alice won’t even get close to half of that. And if it does….. hmmmm, where did I put my gun? Anyway, it’s worldwide total is pushing 2.6 billion now. Again, let’s see Alice get anywhere fucking near that. Yes, dukemich, I’m still sucking James Cameron’s dick, but I’d so much sooner suck his dick than Tim Burton’s, much unlike the rest of America.

I saw The Crazies last night. It was stupid and kind of cheesy, but it was entertaining and enjoyable. It fell 56% to 7 million; total’s at 27 million. I’ll try to do a review tomorrow. You know, since I’m so pressed for time considering my job, girlfriend, all the studying I do. I just made myself sad a little….

Percy Jackson declined 47% to 5.1 million. It’s made a pretty decent 78 million and I think we’ll see a sequel down the road.

Down 53%, Valentine’s Day grossed 4.3 million to lift the total to 106 million. Its gross comes pretty much entirely on the strength of its opening weekend, somewhat understandably so.

Crazy Heart seems to be the only picture really benefiting from Oscar nominations and if Jeff Bridges takes home best actor, that could help it even more. It’s up 36% to 3.4 million. Granted, it added 126 theatres. It’s up around 30 million now, already a success considering the budget was only seven million.

Dear John: Down 41%. 2.9 million weekend. 77 million total. Whatever.

So, let me be honest. I returned to my box office wrap-ups this week pretty much solely to tear apart Alice in Wonderland and continue to just shake my head at humanity. But what I guess I need to understand is people are different. Different things appeal to different people and if Alice in Wonderland tickles your fancy *swallows pride* go for it. You know what, go see it. I won’t rant like this next week because I realize now that it’s childish. I think Alice is fucked up, but clearly most of American movie-goers don’t. I love Dragonball Z to death. Lots of people think it’s stupid. But flame wars never go anywhere. I haven’t seen the actual movie. Maybe it is good. I’m 99% it’s a complete piece of shit, but to make such a call before seeing it is rather close-minded. So, whatever. Fuck it. Let’s preview next weekend.

Our Family Wedding: Okay, to be honest, I have no idea what this is. I’ve never heard of it. But Forest Whitaker is in it, so it has to be good, right? But Carlos Mencia is in it, so it has to be bad, right? My mind just asploded.

Remember Me: Well, let’s see what Rob can do outside of Twilight. It’s rather shocking to see Chris Cooper playing a cold bastard of a father. He’s never done that before.

She’s Out of My League: Yes, Hud returns! For the rather small amount of people who saw Cloverfield and the miniscule amount of people that actually liked it (I personally loved it), it’s great to see the guy behind the camera doing something again. I was worried he fell off the face of the earth. I don’t expect much from this, though. And for that matter, I don’t really expect much from any of these three.

Green Zone: Yeah, call it Bourne in Iraq if you will, but is that necessarily a bad thing? This is definitely the number one choice for next weekend. I’ll be seeing it with several friends next Saturday, though I think Dukemich should field the review. He’s the big Matt Damon fan, after all. Anywho, it feels good to be back. Hopefully I can back in the swing of doing these again. So, whatever, peace out. Until we meet again.