If you have either of the new games, Pokémon Soul Silver or Pokémon Heart Gold, then you most undoubtedly have the Pokéwalker. The Pokéwalker is a pedometer that can be used to find items, cheer up your Pokémon, level them up and even catch other Pokémon. Steps are converted into watts, which are the accumulating unit of the game. You need a lot of watts to get the best stuff – upwards of 100,000watts. That is about 1000 miles worth of walking. Even as a distance runner, that would take me at least 15 weeks to accomplish. Now that we have determined that Nintendo is insane, let us move onto my brilliant solutions.

1. The Air Conditioner: People have posted on the internet already about using box fan vibrations to stimulate their walker. They reported an earning of watts, but at a very slow rate. I tried to remedy this using an air conditioner mounted in my window. Instead of using the unit’s vibrations, I instead used the air current. I attached the Pokéwalker to string hung from the ceiling. The Pokéwalker hung just below the current of air coming out of the air conditioner. The string was hanging directly in front of the air conditioner. I attached a sheet of paper to the string so that the air blew it like a flapping tail. This caused the string to jerk and twist, which jostled the Pokéwalker and earned me decent wattage. My mother tore it down before I could report any results, but it is a good method to use.
2. The River (1): The first attempt at the river was unable to be determined a success or a failure. I was thinking of a place of renewable energy. I used my environmental science skills to come up with the basics – wind, geothermal, tidal, solar, hydro. Geothermal and solar would not work, wind is inconsistent and tidal in unavailable. Hydro power is constant and strong. Luckily, I live about 200m from a river. I figured if I can waterproof my Pokéwalker and attach it to a string, it can jostle in the water as the string holds it to an anchor. GENIUS. Fellow Chezwick, Phil0s0rapt0r, and I went down to the river with our waterproofed Pokéwalkers. We crossed the river while some suspicious fly fishermen stared at us. We secured our Pokéwalkers with duct taped string and  anchored them to a tree on the bank. First we tested it and we found that watts were being recorded. Using our boyish enthusiasm, we again tied our Pokéwalkers to the tree and even tied a safety line which we coated in duct tape. The fishermen still stared. A half hour later we came back to show our friend the genius idea and to our surprise, they were gone – the Pokéwalkers and the fishermen.
3. The River (2): After ordering new Pokéwalkers, we returned to the same spot on the river. We came armed with much more adhesive tape and nylon rope. We thoroughly secured the Pokéwalkers to the rope and they bobbed wonderfully. We checked them periodically for about five days. After the fifth day, I went a retrieved the Pokéwalkers. To my dismay, they were saturated. Our waterproofing had failed and the Pokéwalkers were soaked. Phil0s0rapt0r’s Pokéwalker’s screen was blank and it would not respond. My Pokéwalker read “Ludwig cheered!” but was frozen and would also not respond. I sighed in defeat as I let them dry in the sun. Determined not to be defeated, I figured mine still had life since the display was still operating. I took it apart and removed the battery.  I dried it out and put it back it. Bingo. 9,999 watts. Phil0s0rapt0r’s Pokéwalker was more difficult to fix. The battery was corroded and the entire unit had water pouring out of it. Not to mention I had to drill out the screws because they stripped as I tried to loosen them. I took the entire thing apart, washed the board with ethanol, cleaned away the corrosion with a q-tip, dried it with a hair dryer, and voilà. It worked, but the watts were lost.
4. The River (3): We have found the river to be the most successful Pokéwalker cheater on the planet. It provide constant, free energy and it is open to the public. Waterproofing seems the most difficult part, but using a plastic bottle with a screw top (like a peanut butter jar) should solve that (why did we not think of this?). I do not suggest duct tape, it seems to loosen in water – mine may have just sucked though. Test your tapes, but I found the USPS Priority mailing tape held up well in the water – although it did not waterproof well. Three things – good water-resistant tape, a plastic airtight container and heavy-duty rope. Now you just need a river and you are good to go. I’ll report back after our next attempt.

Over and out.

Instead of seeing Toy Story 3 for the third time, I decided to take a risk and see the only movie at my theatre that I knew nothing about – The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. My girlfriend and I snuck into the theatre and with no surprise to me that it was completely empty. It was the two of us sitting in a small theatre at the latest showing in the far corner of the complex. The film screen went off and the curtain started to close. I feared we were detected since no tickets were sold for the event, but they were just formatting the screen. Our night would be plagued by noises of staff members wandering around the innards of our theatre as they waited for the latest movie to end. It made the film a lot creepier than it ever should have been.

The film started to roll and I noticed that the opening credits held many peculiar names. Their positions were not spelled in English, so I came to the quick realization that the film will be in subtitles. Ah! It is a foreign film, that is why no one is here, that is why we’re in the far corner of the complex! It all made sense.

Mikael Blomkvist (Michael Nyqvist) is a journalist for a liberal magazine that makes accusations against a billionaire Swedish industrialist, Hans-Erik Wennerström. His sources fail and after losing in court he is sentenced to prison. Meanwhile, in waiting period, Blomkvist is called to Henrik Vanger’s assistance to investigate a cold case in which his niece, Harriet Vanger, disappeared forty years ago. Vanger promises a handsome reward and proof of Wennerström’s wrong doings. Blomkvist reluctantly agrees and uses his investigative prowess to piece together the mystery. He does not do it alone. Lisbeth Salander (Noomi Rapace) did work for Wennerström to investigate Blomkvist, but later on she becomes curious of Blomkvist’s current case and ends of helping him. Salander is emotionally disturbed, antisocial and a ward of the state. I do not want to ruin the plot, but this movie gets seriously fucked up. Neo-Nazis, rapists and murder are all going to make MANY appearances in this one. Buckle up your seat belts for this one as it is quite disturbing.

I do have to say that it is hard to judge their acting abilities since it was in a different language. Michael Nyqvist displayed zero emotion throughout the film, but I am unsure whether his character is supposed to be like that or he just lacks skill. Noomi Rapace did a somewhat better job but still, she also lacked emotion but her character did as well so it may have been skill on her part. A lot of the supporting character did great jobs to tell you the truth, even surpassing the skills of the lead roles.

The lengthy film clocked in at two and half hours, but it kept my interests all the way through (I have a long attention span, but even my girlfriend, who usually falls asleep, was wide awake for this one). Director Niels Arden Oplev crafted an excellently paced film. The clues rolled in at an even pace and the mystery was slowly revealed. All of a sudden, bam, a revelation would occur that just throws the plot out of whack. There were many surprises as such and it really gave this long and dramatic film an oomph that it needed. Blomkvist and Salander had a relationship that was incredibly weird. Salander is, I guess, a bisexual and Blomkvist is married or was or something? I don’t know. The climax of the film strikes home perfectly, but the aftermath was a little lengthy for my liking.

My Cheers: Compelling plot. Good story. Neo-Nazis. Disturbing, yet interesting. Developed world, characters, settings and atmosphere. Great climax, unexpected outcome.

My Jeers: Poor acting (as far as I could tell). Awkward relationship between Blomkvist and Salander. Unnecessary rape and violence? Long aftermath.

Overall: I was glad I took the risk to to see this film. It mainly had ups instead of downs. The plot is a mystery and it is hard for my to say anything without spoiling it, but the Vanger’s hold many interesting, albeit disturbing, secrets. I really enjoyed the skill of Salander and Blomkvist as they ripped through the investigation. “Plague,” the obese hacker, was a personally favorite of mine. Anyway, I think this movie is great diversion from the norm of American-made titles. It is good to see a foreign film every now and again to change the pace. Now, it is time for Inception.

0.75/5 Chezwicks (8.5/10)

Dear Jonah Hill, Russell Brand and Rose Byrne,

I love you.

Sincerely,
Jason Bohenek

Although Get Him to the Greek was exactly what I thought it was going to be, it was a good thing it was. I had high expectations going to see this movie. The plot seemed outrageous. It was a broad enough concept that left plenty of room for incredible comedy. It included two comedic dynamos – Jonah Hill and Russell Brand – two of my personal favorites. Sergio Roma (played by Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Sean Combs or whatever the fuck he is called this week) is looking for a new big thing for his company, Pinnacle Records. The young employee Aaron Green (Jonah Hill) suggests that they revive washed-up rock star Aldous Snow (Russell Brand) with an anniversary concert at the Greek Theatre. Roma thinks Green is in an idiot and lets him know that, but gives the go ahead. Green is then tasked to personally escort Snow from his home in London to the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles. I am sure I do not have to tell you that things get out of hand quickly.

Brand is born for the rock star role. He is British. Check. He is skinny. Check. And he has a superb ability to act with emotion. Check. The character Aldous Snow made his first appearance in 2008′s Forgetting Sarah Marshall, in which he played a fantastic role. I was glad to get more of this character and I hope he comes back to the screens. He is your typical rock star. He gets wasted all the time, he has a fucked up family, illegitimate children and strong emotional problems. Green is a young employee and big music fan. He lives with his fiancée, Daphne Binks (Elisabeth Moss), but their relationship turns sour before he leaves to get Snow. Some strange shit happens concerning Green and Binks that I will not get into.

The movie was quite hilarious from start to finish just because of the great chemistry between Snow and Green. Snow wants to have a good time while Green does not want to get fired by his crazy boss, Sergio Roma. Sean Combs has absolutely convinced me that he has star potential on the big screen. I do not think he can play a different role other than the one he played in Get Him to the Greek, but he played it fantastically. His character was a complete asshole with an incredibly vulgar mouth. Congratulations, P. Diddy, on a job well done. I must say that Jonah Hill and Russell Brand also do not have that much ability in playing different characters. They are no Philip Seymour Hoffman, but hey, who is?

Watching Green go to the lengths that he does in order to advance his mission is hilarious. The film succeeded on all levels of funny and I have to say that it was exactly what I wanted – a hilarious, over the top movie and it was just that, nothing more and nothing less. Rose Byrne played a sexy “Jackie Q,” Aldous’ former pop star wife. She contributed some borderline pornographic music videos that I thoroughly enjoyed. The songs were hilarious and very well done I might add.  Here is “Ring Round” and “Supertight”

“Some blokes say that one hole is more than enough!
Then why did God give me two? Not including my muff.
If you’ve got a pretty face and a pretty fanny too, you will find the most prestigious blokes are lining up to meet you!” – “Ring Round”
“I’m A zombie
You knocked me from my grave
You took me out of africa
and made me your slave
Your too tight
like a wet vase
your pussy is a crucifix
my cock is like christ” – Aldous Snow “Supertight”

“This song is gonna get serious
run your bow against my clitoris
ride me inside me supertight
boom boom shake the room like it’s dynamite” – Jackie Q “Supertight”

Aldous Snow also had some excellent songs, including the career ending, “African Child.” “There’s sunshine in my veins, my kitchens filled with flies.” The Infant Sorrow album was completed (it is the Get Him to the Greek soundtrack) and the whole album can be found here. I might go buy this.

My Cheers: Get Him to the Greek was everything that I wanted and more. Byrne, Brand, Hill and Combs all did fantastic jobs. The music videos were a fantastic addition to an already stellar film.

My Jeers: The bit with Green and Binks should have been dropped. I feel like that was a tumorous side story that was completely unnecessary and was just trying to inject some romance and morality into a rather vulgar movie. I would prefer just the vulgarity, thank you. These are the only jeers I got for you.

Overall: Director & writer Nicholas Stoller did a great job making this the funniest film of the year so far. I hope the character Aldous Snow returns for another film, because Brand was just born for the role. Get Him to the Greek was everything that I wanted and more. I highly suggest you see this film if you have not already. It is a stellar comedy that will make you laugh with the outright ridiculous antics of Aldous Snow and the corrective measures of Aaron Green. Not to mention Sergio Roma was played excellently by the new actor, but not new face, Sean Combs – it’s about time he stopped being so damn serious.

This movie “rocked,” literally. 1/2 Chez (9/10)

I have been itching for a good sci-fi movie and Splice satisfied, even if in a sick disturbing way. Splice is not what you think it is, plain and simple. It is a rather original film in which two biochemists, Clive Nicoli (Adrian Brody) and Elsa Kast (Sarah Polley), are trying to synthesize cancer-curing proteins. Basically, they are trying to synthesize a new miracle medicine for the world. To do this they are splicing genes and creating strange organisms. To get this done most successfully, they secretly splice genes with the human genome and get themselves in whole heap o’ trouble.

Before you see this film, please heed my warning: this film will disturb you. I am a pretty sick guy and this film has disturbed my quite a bit. It was rather grotesque and arabesque, but not in the normal matter in which you would think. This “creature,” which they name Dren, does not go on a killing spree throughout a laboratory. In fact, she does the exact opposite of killing… but I will not ruin the movie for you. Even though I left the theatre with somewhat of a blank expression and downward stare, I was pleased that I was disturbed. The film made me think, which I think should be a goal for all film makers.

On a technical level, Splice had some room to improve. I really enjoyed the soundtrack that complimented the nerdy atmosphere (expect to see some base sequences and big words in this one). The acting was sub par, but Brody was the shining light in the rather lackluster crowd. I have to complain that the film had gender stereotypes in it. What I mean by this is that you can expect each characters reaction to a situation by their gender. Polley’s acting was not good and her character was rather annoying, if not pathological. I thought some of the choices in the plot were poor such as the creature evolution. Also, the film became a little stupid near the end.

Splice was a good original concept that suffered from poor acting and poor characters. If the characters were vastly improved, including their relationships, the film would have greatly benefited. Besides the two main characters, the supporting characters were flat and static. They barely even had any lines. Had this movie been “fleshed” (pun intended) out a little more, the drama and horror would have been amplified to a point that would have made this a true gem. Since this was not the case, I would definitely suggest it as a good rental, but warning – not for the faint of heart, it is disturbing.

My Cheers: I was disturbed. It makes you think. Good soundtrack. Original content.

My Jeers: Poor acting. Poor supporting characters. Poor characters that made poor decisions. Gender stereotypes. Poor creature evolution choices (wings = useless moment of film). It also got a little typical when “she went man.” Also, how could one not see that coming with the explicit foreshadowing?

Overall: Splice was a good original concept that suffered from poor acting and poor characters. If the characters were vastly improved, including their relationships, the film would have greatly benefited. Besides the two main characters, the supporting characters were flat and static. They barely even had any lines. Had this movie been “fleshed” (pun intended) out a little more, the drama and horror would have been amplified to a point that would have made this a true gem. Since this was not the case, I would definitely suggest it as a good rental, but warning – not for the faint of heart, it is disturbing.

1.75 / 5 Chezwicks (6.5/10)

Holy shit this review came late. Date Night came out on April 9th, 2010, and here I am writing the review on June 25. I am sorry this is so late, but I was busy so deal with it. Steve Carell and Tina Fey, two of comedy’s greatest current stars hit the big screen together. You would think it was a match made in heaven, but the movie seems to want to follow its own path instead of the star’s path. Nevertheless,  Date Night was a fun spring flick that is worth a few laughs throughout, but it did not allow its two comedians to spread their wings.

Date Night is a story about the Foster family. The Fosters are a typical American family. It consists of overworked parents, Phil and Claire, that live with a depressing sex life. Burdened with stress and responsibilities from their jobs and their children, the Fosters have lost the luster of their former passionate relationship. For a change of pace, they decide to go on a date like old times. While on this date, they steal a couple’s reservations at a restrictive restaurant and soon find themselves in a criminal debacle of epic proportions.

I am not sure exactly what Date Night is doing, but it seems as if there is a message in this film. In fact, this message has been popping up a lot in American culture. Date Night seems to promote fun for parents. While not a bad thing in itself, the problem is that this fun comes independent of their “stressful” children. I, personally, do not like this shift in attitude that promotes a couple continuing their youth into their parenting years. I see it with my own eyes in my own town. Parents are too busy during the day working, then they come home only to go out again with each other to relieve stress. So… when do you spend time with your kids? It is a somewhat self-indulgent message that I think has negative consequences on youth. Why can they not just hand out and play a game as a family? Some kickball or something? Whatever, I am going straight to my analysis.

My Cheers: The one liners. Steve Carell and Tina Fey have some excellent lines, not dialogue, just lines. It is obvious that they may have crafted these lines themselves because they stand out in the rather mundane dialogue and plot like a diamond in the rough. Some of the scenes, although sloppily constructed in the plot narrative, were rather comical. Mark Wahlberg’s character of the sexy hunk Holbrook, was a welcomed addition. Probably the best scene includes a black taxi driver. Not much else was that good.

My Jeers: Like I said, the plot was pretty terrible. It was loosely constructed and over the top in a way that did not fit the comedy. The movie forced action in a way that did not blend with the comedy in any appreciable way. Perhaps the genres are too opposite, but I think that their style of comedy just does not suit an action flick. Tina Fey and Steve Carell seemed choked by the poor dialogue and plot. They looked like they were locked in a straight-jacket unable to break free and let their comic genius loose.

Overall: Although the movie is not a must-see, I do recommend this as a funny movie to see on your own date night. It is not a memorable film that people will be talking about a few months after its release (like right now for example), but it is a good film for a date. My girlfriend and I saw this film together and we took a few good laughs out of it together. “I’m going to go home now and fart in a shoebox.”

Dos Chezwicks (i.e 3/5)

Did you ever dream? Did you ever dream of a future full of lollipops and cupcakes piled high into a rainbow filled sky? Did you ever dream of chocolate filled rivers and sugar-coated grass all fueled with a fruit juice rain? Did you ever dream of ice cream dirt and sweet flavored air that brushes through your hair? Well, I haven’t but Roald Dahl sure did. What am I talking about? I’m using analogy to describe the type of future which is about to hit us. Yes, that’s right, Goldeneye 007 is being remade exclusively for the Nintendo Wii. Need I say more? After you’re done screaming, rolling on the ground and your boner has relaxed, please click past the break to see a trailer and read more.

This game sucks

Although some of you may have rightfully forgotten, there was another attempt at a revival of the Goldeneye franchise back in 2004. It was called Goldeneye: Rogue Agent and it was not good. Developed by EA Tiburon/Los Angeles Studios, Goldeneye: Rogue Agent robbed us of everything we used to like about the game. It let everyone down who was hoping for something close to original.

Now, before you get too excited let me explain the details that will surely upset many of you. You may already know, but Rare, the developer of the Goldeneye 64, was bought out by Microsoft a long time back and no longer works with Nintendo. Not like it matters because many of the masterminds that created Goldeneye 64 have left Rare studios anyway. This new game, being developed exclusively for Nintendo Wii, is being developed by Eurocom and it is being published by Activision.

Eurocom developed version

The last Bond game published by Activision was 2008′s Quantum of Solace, made after the film of the same name. Needless to say, it sucked big balls. I had the Wii version and I really tried to like it, but this game was destined for the bargain bin. The Playstation 2 version (yes, they still made PS2 games in 2008 when the PS3 was for years) received the best reviews from critics. The decently-reviewed PS3 and X-Box 260 versions were developed by Treyarch, while the poorly-reviewed Wii and PC version were developed by Beenox. The PS2 version, however, was developed by Eurocom, who is at the helm of the upcoming Goldeneye remake. That is at least somewhat reassuring. Eurocom recently developed the critically acclaimed on-rails shooter Dead Space: Extraction for Nintendo Wii. It was critical success with only 0.25 million copies sold. Hopefully they can use some of their new profits and skills to refine their upcoming title.

Craaaaaiiiiiiggggg!

Daniel Craig is replacing Pierce Brosnan. Some people are upset, but I really do not care because Craig did an excellent job in the recent Bond films. The game’s story, along with a lot of locations, are completely different from the original. “But the story of that movie has been changed. GoldenEye is now the adventure of the Daniel Craig version of James Bond and plays up an international banking crisis angle rather than a Cold War problem. Both games, however, send the player, as Bond, around the world to locations important to fans of movie and games: A dam, a statue park, the streets of St. Petersburg, where a chase involving a military tank will occur.” (via Kotaku) This is somewhat disappointing because Goldeneye 64 holds a special place in everyone’s heart and no one likes it when it is fucked with.

However, the most important thing is the multiplayer. Good news is that there is 4-player split-screen and 8-player online multiplayer. The Klobb will returned renamed as the “Klebb.” The multiplayer levels will be familiar, but not identical, to Goldeneye 64 maps. Health will regenerate like in modern FPSs, but I hope this can be switched off in multiplayer. I heard that “sticky mines” will return, and I pray these are proximity mines. Notice in the trailer that you can break enemy’s necks. That was actually one part of Quantum of Solace that I enjoyed and I would like it if it returned. Oddjob and 7 other classic Bond villains will return for multiplayer. I really hope that they do not have unique abilities so that they are all equally balance (fuck you Oddjob). As I state this I fear Oddjob because he has a “hat throwing ability” in place of some kind of grenade toss. I ask, why? This will only invite imbalance into gameplay.

Some things that I am hoping for: I hope that multiplayer has all of the same customizable options as the original, plus more added in. I hope the levels have weapons scattered throughout them rather than starting with two weapons or only being able to pick up weapons of the dead. I hope we can dual-wield all weapons. I hope there are ammo boxes and body armor. I want proximity mines. RCP-90 must return. Guns should all reload at the same rate. This is something that is not often seen anymore in games, but it keeps 1v1 firefights very interesting. Often in a 1v1 firefight, both you and your enemy reload at the same time and if it takes the same amount of time, then the battle is much more balanced and interesting. It keeps the game going at a faster pace too because running and hiding is not valuable which leads me to another point. Make all the characters the same speed. And finally, please have Helicopter Pilot as a playable character. He is the man.

P.S. I am still the best Goldeneye multiplayer in the US.

Filed under: News, Video Games Tagged: 00 agent, 007, activision, agent, alec trevelyan, assault rifles, bond, cradle, dam, daniel craig, eurocom, facility, goldeneye, goldeneye 007, goldeneye 64, goldeneye wii, heroes, james bond, james bond 007, klobb, mi-6, mi6, natalya, nintendo, nintendo wii, proximity mines, Quantum of Solace, rare, rcp-90, rogue agent, secret agent, sniper, statue, valentin, wii, wii 007 ]]> http://thechez.net/2010/06/19/goldeneye-reborn/feed/ 0 hydro033 klobb goldeneye rogue agent - image_49399 007-Quantum-of-Solace_FOB-FINAL_US_PS2boxart_160w daniel-craig-4 http://thechez.net/2010/06/11/the-neek-scale/ http://thechez.net/2010/06/11/the-neek-scale/#comments Fri, 11 Jun 2010 20:24:50 +0000 hydro033 http://thechez.net/?p=3277 ]]> Where do rank on the Neek Scale? Neek, a combination of nerd and geek, is the most l337 form of both stereotypes. I have devised a scale that can determine your level of neekness.

First, you must determine your Nerd Level and your Geek Level. Then, you multiply the two factors to find your Neek Level. To determine your levels, you must read a list of descriptions and decide which one most describes you. Each scale ranges from 1-7. You than multiply the numbers to get a new number. Locate where this new number falls on the Neek Scale to determine your level of Neekness. Click past the break to take the test!

Nerd Scale:

1. You enjoy playing football or poker. You like to lift and get buff. You think you will never use things that you learn in school. You like action movies, fast cars and loud music. You get pussy at will.
2. You can pass in many science and math classes although you are not interested in the material. You don’t know of Stephen Hawking. You like to play sports other than football. You have a diverse taste is music. You get pussy on the weekends.
3. Science and math classes are sometimes interesting to you. You like all kinds of different music, that is not played unnecessarily loud. Fuel efficiency is somewhat important to you. Being buff is not of great concern to you. You try to get pussy.
4. You voluntarily take optional science or math classes. You are concerned about your gas mileage and frequently try to limit your gas consumption. You are content without being buff.  At least a few times in your life, jocks have ridiculed you. You heard of Stephen Hawking. You think you can get pussy.
5. You like science and math classes and know of many famous scientists, including Stephen Hawking, Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei. You have thought about the universe, physics, chemistry or mathematics outside of class in your free time. You are made fun of by jocks every now and then. You like techno music.  You spend a good deal of time on your computer. You hope you can get pussy.
6. You love science and math classes and consider their homework “fun.” You own and have read Stephen Hawking’s works. You Wiki-browse concepts of physics and theories concerning the universe. You are very computer literate. You know many atomic masses by memory. You are ridiculed.  You are generally small, scrawny and weak. You dream about getting pussy.
7. You are an Über nerd. You have poor eyesight from too much CRT display usage. You like to create your own computers and code your own programs. You can hack through your school’s firewall blind-folded.  You are a mad genius when it comes to science and math but often feel like the class is too beneath you, so you rarely give any effort. You do math and physics experiment on your own time for “fun.” You have autographed memorabilia from Stephen Hawking. You do not believe in God and can provide sound arguments against his existence. You have developed your own theory of the universe and reality. You masturbate frequently because you gave up all hope for ever getting pussy.

Geek Scale:

1. You enjoy playing football or poker. You like to lift and get buff. You do not like read. You like action movies, fast cars and loud music. You get pussy at will.
2. You play the occasional game of Madden or Call of Duty. You only have one controller for your game system, which is most likely a Playstation 2 still. You like to play sports other than football. You have a diverse taste is music. You get pussy on the weekends.
3. You play the occasional game of Halo or Gears of War. You like to watch movies based on super heroes. You obsess over hot, young, female actresses. You are not buff but wish you were.  You try to get pussy.
4. You like to play Halo, God of War or any other American-made violent video game.  You think Nintendo is for babies and that Japanese-made games are for losers. You are “big-boned.”  At least a few times in your life, jocks have ridiculed you. You heard of Stephen Hawking. You think you can get pussy.
5. It is of great importance to you whether DC  or Marvel has cooler superheroes. You love Halo and think you’re great at it. You even go as far as to play Nintendo’s old school franchises like the Legend of Zelda and Super Mario. You camp outside retail stores waiting for the release of a new video game system. You are husky. You are made fun of by jocks. You are knowledgeable of internet memes and gamer terms.  You spend a good deal of time on your computer. You hope you can get pussy.
6. You spend way too much time playing video games and you are nationally ranked. You have spent time trying to master a video game, often devoting a lot of time to developing new strategies or exploiting new glitches. You love internet memes and gamer terms, having created some of your own. You think Player’s Guide are for n00bs. You pound energy drinks and cheese curls. You are ridiculed.  You are obese and disheveled. You dream about getting pussy.
7. You are an Über geek. You have poor eyesight from too much CRT display usage. You are l337 and can speak it. You constantly condescend others as n00bs, with right to do so. You are in the top ten of many video game leader boards. Your gamer tag is famous. Your user name is mentioned among legends. You travel the country to play gaming competitions. Most video games pose no challenge to you, even on the hardest difficulty.   You rarely leave your mom’s basement. Physical activity is a sin to you. You masturbate frequently to hentai because you gave up all hope for ever getting pussy. You are incredibly obese, pale and malnourished. You have a lair and a throne. You are disheveled and have long, ungroomed hair. You are Thomas Falsetta.

Multiple the two and get your Neek Level:

1. 1-7 —Nub – Just get off this website, now.
   
2. 8-15 —2Cool4U – You suppress your natural gaming instincts to be cool.
3. 16-23 —Gamer – You’re a run of the mill gamer with typical skills and neekness.
4. 24-31 —Pwner - Your skills and knowledge exceed that of mere mortals.
5. 32-39 —Haxor- You are feared and wise.
6. 40-47 —l337 - We all bow to you.
7. 48-49—Neek – You are the fabled god that fell into myth that we did not think could have possibly existed.
8. >49—Über n00b. You did the math wrong, you fucking nub.

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Simba, the Lion King

It has come to my attention that people think people are the best. At first, that statement may not seem alarming because of the arrogance that has plagued humanity for all of time, but what I’m talking about is different kind of “best.” First, one must think what it even means to be best. Is it something to be rather than not be? If so, how do we determine what we should “rather be?” It has come to my attention that what we would “rather be” is something that is particular to us, as humans. For example, a human would rather be courteous to others because it is considered “better,” but if other species were courteous to others than they would surely be out-competed and die or be eaten. What I am trying to say is that things that seem “better” are so only because they appear good for humans. This leads humans into a misconception. Since we have attained what we wanted to attain (intelligence, language, society, law), we believe that we are better than all other forms of life. I called this speciescentrism.

Speciescentrism is not an original term. I have Googled it and found various other authors of a similar mindset that make point of the issue. The word derives from the English “species” and the suffix “centrism.” Species refers to the taxonomic biological rank of organisms. A species is defined as a group of individuals that can potentially interbreed and produce viable offspring. For example, humans are a species (sapiens) and European rabbits are a species (cuniculus). The word “centrism” is a suffix that means a narrow-minded biased. Speciescentrism can then be defined as “regarding one’s own species as superior to others.” I think humans are great culprits of this, especially the religious who believe that all other life was created for our use.

I believe that speciescentrism is much like ethnocentrism in that it is a self-serving bias that discriminates against the unfamiliar. Speciescentrism, as is ethnocentrism, is a kind of persuasive lever that can be used to justify self-indulgence. In the Judeo-Christian belief, humans think that other species were created by the Creator in order to directly benefit humans. They believe we have the “God-given right” to exploit these creatures for our benefit. This selfish belief has been a justification used by many to harm other organisms, exploit the environment and cause degradation to our ecosystems.

Where does this bias come from? I believe language is the basis of the bias. Through language we created society, made laws and even constructed morality. I think that we use this as the defining separation between us and other creatures, but does it make us “better?” We see ourselves as rational creatures while all other life is not. I feel like this is an inappropriate treatment of intelligent as a discrete characteristic. I think a creature cannot be classified as “rational” or “irrational.” I believe that we should use intelligence as a continuous trait that creatures have in different quantities. Humans have the most intelligence, but does that make us “better?” It surely makes us better in the category of intelligence, but does having the longest fingernails make you the best human? I think not. Humans classify everything we have as the “best” only in order to claim superiority over life. We then try to humble ourselves by saying we only receive these qualities from “God,” who is the most superior entity that holds the superlatives of all our desired qualities. Let us get real, like Ludwig Feuerbach has said, we are God.

Just because other life is different from us (or we are different from other life) does not mean we are better than it. Had we been lions, all we would know is lion stuff and we would think we’re much better than humans. We would be stronger and faster. Since we would be able to catch gazelles better than humans we would think we are better than humans. We would laugh as they run and try to throw their sticks at the gazelles. It’s all a matter of perspective. We need to look at life differently altogether. All of life is connected and has a single purpose – to preserve itself. That is why there is evolution, it is just a way to insure that life keeps on surviving by making all different kinds of life. We are just one kind of life that is life’s insurance. Lions are another type of insurance that have our backs in case we fail. As are rabbits, bumblebees, cacti, alga, mushrooms, etc. One must realize that we are not more evolved than other species living today, we are only as evolved. All of the species today have made it as long as us on this planet using different skills. We use intelligence, lions use strength, bees use community, spiders use cleverness, chameleons use patience. Bacteria, for example, have not changed in millions and millions of years. One can argue that they are the most evolved since they have change the least. Since they change least, are they not most fit? We change because we are not perfectly adapted, but bacteria is far more versatile than any mere human.

So I ask you to please look at life differently. I am not advocating vegetarianism or joining PETA. This is life and we are top-level carnivores in a complex food web, but do not think we have the “right” to just abuse everything else. Do not think because we can talk and reason (grant it other Great Apes can do this) that we are superior. We may be on top of the food web, but if we abuse that web enough, what shall support us? We’re dependent upon it. We are parasitic of it actually. Without the food web, we would not exist, but without us, the food web would be better off. We take and do not give back. Lay aside your bias and realize that we are one of millions. We need to humble ourselves and appreciate that grand majesty of life that we seldom realize we are only a small fraction of.

Of course one must be skeptical when going to see a film based on a video game. It seems like one the strangest medias to adapt into a film considering that games require input. Nevertheless, games have been trying again and again to have film worthy storylines. Too often is the video game universe plagued by overly simplistic storylines and characters. Only until recently have games been making a move into the truly cinematic. I, for one, think that directors are more into making adaptations to cash in on the franchise names rather than adapting a game to a film because of the rich universe.

The Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is a video game that I hold very dear to my heart. The game is heralded as one of the greatest platformers ever produced. It has parkour like mechanics, brilliant puzzles and the key to it all – time travel. That being said, the Prince of Persia universe did not boast one of the best storylines. Evil guy wants daggers, you must stop him – fin. Honestly, I must say that Mike Newell has really impressed me with this one. Although I consider myself biased, Prince of Persia: Sands of Time is the best video game to movie adaptation ever made. I was really expecting garbage, but between the not-meant-to-funny lines and the overused slow-mo, I found a summer action flick that is worth seeing.

The movie completely butchered the game’s original storyline, but that is probably a good thing since it was lacking substance. Both the movie and the game have a Prince, a dagger that controls time, a common setting, parkour, a beauty and an evil-doer. The similarities end there. The movie stars Prince Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal), an orphan adopted by the King, whom was impressed by his sweet parkour abilities. Once the Prince is an adult, he, his brother and his uncle conquer Alamut, a land that has a magical dagger that can reverse time. The dagger lands in the Prince’s possession. The beautiful Tamina (Gemma Aterton), who is the protector of the dagger and priestess of Alamut, pursues him to reclaim the dagger but eventually ends up as his companion and love interest. The trouble starts when Prince Dastan presents his father, the King, with a robe to celebrate the conquer of the holy city, Alamut (the city of Tamina and the dagger). The robe is a trap and the King dies a comical death trapped inside a garment. The Prince is instantly blamed and flees the city. He then meets up with Tamina and the two try to uncover the truth and restore his honor. If it is not obvious, the dagger that controls time is a major plot element.

My Cheers: There was a lot to like about this film. The inclusion of parkour paid a lot of homage to the video game, Prince Dastan’s uncle was analogous to the Vizier and the dagger did control time, just like in the game. Gyllenhaal had a decent performance that captured the Prince’s wit, charm and arrogance quite nicely. The relationship between Tamina and the Prince was akin to their relationship in the game. They often insulted each other, but there always existed a sexual tension that they were both aware of. Aterton was looking pretty hot and had a decent performance as did Ben Kingsley (minus the hot bit), but the character who really stole the show was Sheik Amar (Alfred Molina). Sheik Amar is an entrepreneur, con-man and underground ostrich race organizer. He provided a lot of comic relief during the film and was genuinely funny in the process. His inclusion also brought the inclusion of another character, Seso. Seso is indebted to Sheik Amar and has an incredible knife-throwing ability that all members of his tribe of warriors, the Umbaka, possess. Seso has a cool knife throw-down with a member of the Hassansins, the elite Persian assassins, near the end of the film that really helped the movie. The production of the movie was top notch with a great score.

My Jeers: The film had a lot moments that were not meant to funny, but were outright hysterical. These moments cut into the film’s credibility. There were uses of slow-motion that were completely unnecessary. Some dialogue was laughable, which is bad only because it was not intended to be, but I still appreciated the laugh it gave me since I expected that kind of stuff going in. The dagger mythology was garbage as well. There were too many rules that governed the dagger and the sands of time that it was hard to keep track. For instance, the dagger can reverse time, but only for a minute, then it is out of sand, which can be replenished at this giant sandglass, which was created because the Gods locked away a storm because of a little girl, blah blah blah, why? Sometimes it is better to leave things unexplained. The Hassansins were a funny bunch especially because the leader looked like Albert Wesker from the Resident Evil series. I always chuckled when the Hassansins were on-screen because a little tune played and “mysterious” sand tornadoes were seen moving in the distance; it was quite comical.

Gyllenhaal as the Prince (left) and Molina as Sheik Amar (right)

Overall: I feel like this film is subjected to death by critics because of what it is – a videogame adaptation. Critics are cynical off the bat and I really think the film deserves more than 39% (RottenTomatoes aggregate). A lot about the movie was laughable, but I feel as if it was a good enough adventure flick. It was like The Mummy without Brendan Fraser and other terrible junk. These types of adventures are far a few between and I think that the Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is a decent outing in the category. Then again, I am a biased prick. All in all, at least watch it because of Sheik Amar. His lines were great “This is a secret government killing society. That’s why I don’t pay taxes!”  He much like Jonathan from The Mummy, but he is actually funny and not annoying. If it

was not for Sheik Amar, this film may have been a total bust, but he and his ostriches with “suicidal tendencies” really won me over enough to give this film:

2/5 Chezwicks! (3 out 5 stars)