I wonder if this movie will do as well as the first. Even though I wasn’t such a fan, I do enjoy shitting my pants because the movie lulls me into a false sense of security and then something fucked up pops out. I expect there to be a lot of that in Paranormal Activity 2. It’s like those animated .gifs that trick you into staring at them and then have a demon or something pop out.

But since this is a sequel, it will probably be a piece of shit. Horror movies in general are shitty; The Grudge is a shining example, and its sequel demonstrates how utter shit can become even shittier the second time around. The Grudge 2 wallowed in feces. Another example: The Ring, which I thought was well-done and moderately scary (and imbued in me a fear of horses) had a balls-awful sequel. But Paranormal Activity falls into the sub-genre that was popularized by The Blair Witch Project, which I like to call the mock-reality movie. These movies seems to fare pretty well; in addition perhaps some things that weren’t so great about the first movie will be corrected, and because of that I am preemptively giving Paranormal Activity 2 the following score:

Also: large-breasted demons? We can only hope.

Surely he was being sarcastic, right?  He was trying to poke fun at all the tea-party crazies? I hope so, but I really doubt it. There is some highly rabid anti-socialism viewpoints in this country, for no other reason than leftover, government propaganda-induced blind hatred for anything Red. Most of the people today who write letters to the editor about matters like “Obama socialism” and “the slippery slope to socialism” were just little kids during the height of the Cold War who were conditioned to think this way. And really, I think that most of the time when people call Obama a socialist, it’s just a cover for the “n-word”.

I find a few things irritating about this letter. First off, why do we have a corrupt and bloated government? Why is the Pennsylvania legislature so damn big? Well, one of the main problems is that the people who were elected voted for the changes that led to these things. Humans kind of suck. Really, I think we are utterly incapable of effectively governing ourselves. But what really grinds my gears is the constant referral by these tea party activists to the president as a socialist (or a muslim, non-citizen, or any of the multitude of things you can find on the blogs of the lunatic fringe/Rush Limbaugh show). You really have absolutely no fucking idea what you’re talking about, do you? You seem to be confusing socialism, an economic-political philosophy with totalitarianism. Jesus. Go dump your tea in Lake Erie. Please, after you’re done watching “fair and balanced” Fox News and listening to Rush and Glenn Beck, check up on what they say. Turns out most of the time it’s complete bullshit.

Anyone who has seen a televised Scranton City Council meeting knows what kind of shenanigans go on there. Your letters to the editor are no different. Every time I open the newspaper, the letters section is filled with inane ramblings from people who barely know what the hell they’re talking about. It seems as though the editor will literally publish anything that any two-bit schmuck sends in. I am ashamed and embarrassed to live in Lackawanna county with you people. It’s the same thing with the local radio stations; any time they have open lines, watch out! It’s a safe bet someone is going to call in and make an idiot out of themselves.

To the person today who wrote that “contraception leads to promiscuity” and the dozens of people who mentioned “obamacare“, socialism, and the “elitist liberal media“, stay classy. Then there was the guy who, during the summer of four-dollar-per-gallon gas wrote that maybe, just maybe, kids’ interscholastic sports should all be canceled because, you know, it takes a lot of gas to run those school buses to get them to their games! Oh, and let’s not forget the man who was infuriated that there was a runner who– get this– was running! In the street! And at night, too! Certainly this runner deserves to be imprisoned for his sin. The last straw, though, was yesterday. There was a letter defending Sarah Palin from the “elitist liberal media” et al. because she just doesn’t waver from her stance on those tough issues, don’t you know? Really? REALLY? The measure of a man, or woman, is how much he or she is willing to consider evidence, and change his or her worldview based on that evidence. A politician who “stays the course” and never waivers on “tough issues”– is that someone who you want making decisions for you?

When will this crusade in favor of idiocy end? It’s no wonder most people leave this area as soon as they get the chance. It’s no wonder there’s a “brain drain” (Make sure you know that one for your state senate campaign, Mr. Doherty). Most people who have any talent, who have any motivation, leave this place as soon and as fast as they can and never look back. Those who don’t make it out, well, they write letters to the editor.

All right. What to wear, what to wear? I wish I had some metal underwear, just in case. I better take my trail shoes, too. Oh, hey mom. What? My what is here? “Pokégear”? Jesus. It’s an iPhone, get with the times. No, I’m not hungry. Yes. Thank you. Bye, mom.

10:17. I hope this dude doesn’t mind waiting. Hey, who’s this fucking ginger creeping around the side? Whatever. I hope he knows he doesn’t have a soul. Whoa, this place is a lot bigger on the inside than I thought. Ok, everyone is wearing lab coats, so I have no idea which guy to talk to. I hope it’s not this rapist-looking guy. Shit. Oh, hey there. Yeah, I’m the kid. Thanks. Nice to meet you too. An errand? I guess. Oh man, I get to take a pokémon with me? Fuckin’ sweet. Ok, let’s see… there’s an alligator, some kind of rat on fire, and I don’t even know what the fuck that green thing is. Probably has some fuckin’ disease. Well, the alligator looks pretty badass, but I’ll take this fire rat. Who doesn’t like to set shit on fire? I guess this kinda sucks though. I heard those kids from Kanto get to pick a fire-breathing dragon, some kind of gay turtle, or another retarded green thing. Whatever, Professor Oak got busted by the feds for soliciting sex from an eleven-year-old. Man, everyone is a sex offender these days. I bet this guy’s raped a few kids in his day too. It’s ok, though, I’ve got my pepper spray. Five million Scovilles, baby. Oh, what’s that? I get to name it? Hmm… I’m gonna go with Dickbrain.

Ok, 11:27.  All I have to do is go pick up a mysterious package from some dude named Mister Pokémon. I bet he’s creepy as hell. He’s probably wearing a wolf shirt. Heh, I wonder what’s the the package? Probably porn. Doesn’t this guy know about the internet? Oh fuck! Look at that shit, a fucking — what is it? Jesus, that’s grotesque-looking. I have never seen a caterpillar so big. Hey, I bet it’ll burn real nice. OH MAN. That was fuckin’ cool. Dickbrain, you’re good people.

So, according to this map Professor Elm scribbled on his Subway napkin, I have to go around this dick-shaped tree. Oh, I think I see this dude’s house up in the distance. It looks pretty shady, but there’s no one sitting on the porch playing a banjo at least. Ok, about to knock. One hand on the pepper spray. Steady… Hey, I’m here to pick up the package for Professor Elm. He said you’d– ok, cool. Note to self: Mister Pokémon smells, and there jars on the shelf over there are possibly filled with semen. What’s taking this guy so long? Might as well have a look around. What the fuck? Is that– is that blood? Is that fucking blood leaking out from under that doorway? Oh shit oh shit oh shit. It IS! God damn. Ok, play it cool; I’ll just get out of here before– the door is locked. Wait, I still have Dickface. Let’s set some shit on fire. No, stop pissing on the floor! Oh god I hear him coming up the stairs. His breathing is pretty labored. I wonder if he has emphysema. No time to wonder. I hear him calling me. Oh god. Why can’t this fucking rat do anything? Whatever. Shit, he’s coming around the corner. I’ll just pretend like I didn’t see all that blood. Thanks for the package, I’ll make sure Professor Elm gets it right away. No thanks, I’d love to stay for Krimpets but I really need to get back.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. This is way too messed up. Should I call the cops? Shit, no service. God damn it, AT&T! There’s no app for not getting murdered. I can’t believe he let me go unharmed. Well, It’s only two miles back to New Bark Town from here, so I think if I run I’ll make it in like sixteen minutes. Wait, didn’t I come through this way? The bridge wasn’t out before…

iPhone Note #1: 18:10. I think I’ve lost Mister Pokémon. He followed me at a distance for several hours on his segway, but I managed to give him the slip at a fork in the road. I didn’t notice before, but he appeared to have blood stains on his shirt and pants. I’m now holed up in a cave filled with vagrants and sex offenders. I hope to god they don’t hear me whimpering. I need to find a way out of here, but it’s very dark. Every once in awhile I hear pokémon moving around in the distance. I’m afraid I might not make it out alive. That’s why I’m writing down what happens on my phone.

iPhone Note #2: Thursday? I have no idea how long I’ve been in this fucking place. I’m so hungry. Dickface doesn’t look so good. I cut my leg open trying to climb over a boulder. A bearded man came bounding past me before, but he didn’t seem to take notice. He looked like he was in a hurry.

iPhone Note #3: Dickface is dead. I put his body on a rock. Some burial, huh? I think I hear water coming from one of the pathways ahead. I’m going to check it out. I think it’s Friday or Saturday now. If I don’t eat soon I’m going to starve. I didn’t even think to pack fucking trail mix.

iPhone Note #4: i ate dickface. i fuckin ate him. r u happy now? but i was so hungry. i had to. i had to. i had to. theres a waterfall herebattery on phone is going to die soon. down to one bar. oh god im crying so hard right now

iPhone Note #5: i can hear them calling my name. theyre in the waterfall. i saw one of them. i think its tentacruel. they’re saying  wgluth ph’lank r’lyeh aei’k aei’k! r’lyeh! r’lyeh! i can hear them i can fucking hear them oh god get out of my head

iPhone Note #6: ph’nglui mglw’nafh cthulhu r’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn cthulhu fhtagn cthulhu fhtagn

I would also like to mention that the disparity between the trailer and the actual film caused some heavy cognitive dissonance. From what I saw in the trailer, I thought this was going to be a movie about a prison that had ghost inmates who could pass through matter. Boy howdy, was I wrong! Although that would have been such a cool movie, the film I actually saw was very good despite the lack of transcendental prisoners.

Now, there are a few small clues as to the actual story early on in the movie. But unless you are very attentive or are watching for a second time, you probably wouldn’t think anything of them, just like you wouldn’t think anything of the minuscule but damning evidence that can be found littered throughout any Hercule Poirot mystery. I like this in a movie; it has the ability to be subtle but still build so much suspense that your brain almost cums its pants.

The only real drawbacks to the movie were the obnoxious and over-used blaring bass and its length. Near the end, it felt like some scenes could have been trimmed so it wouldn’t drag along so much, but overall it was an excellent movie that stuck its willy in my brain, and for that I give it:

There is not much to really say about this movie. It wasn’t a bad movie, but it wasn’t great. The female protagonist, played by Katie Featherston has gigantic boobs, though. Anyway, this movie is pretty similar to The Blair Witch Project in two ways: (1) the action is seen through the lens of a camera which is controlled by the protagonists, and (2) the only really scary part is the very last scene. Definitely not worth eight fucking fifty.

A second take…

by Hydro033

Paranormal Activity did what it was supposed to do. It incrementally built tension that gripped you in your seat. The movie was shot entirely using a camcorder by the male protagonist, Micah. He bought the camcorder in order to catch sightings of the hauntings that have plagued his girlfriend, Katie.  The woman has been haunted her entire life by some presence. After getting the camcorder, strange events start unfold as the hauntings increase in frequency and intensity. Eventually, the protagonists lose their sanity and more.

The acting was actually pretty good for this low-budget film. These types of cinéma vérité style films, require no-name actors, otherwise they wouldn’t be believable. The only gripe I have with the actors is that they didn’t bring many other people into the film. I recall one dude and one chick besides the main two protagonists. That’s it. It needed more. Plus, they should have left the house more. It seemed like they were trapped in there, but they weren’t. I don’t get it, because this “demon” seemed like it was limited spatially, but they never tried to get away from it. They would just fucking go hide in another room or something. Dumbasses.

The plot worked for me. The tension was built very patiently and effectively. I’m not very frightened by movies, I crack a smile when I watch films like this, but there were moments in the film that did not allow me to smile. These moments seemed genuinely horrifying as long as you believed them, but I’m rational, so they don’t horrify me. All in all, every now and then I found myself saying “What if?” and I felt a sensation of helplessness and fear that the protagonist must have felt. Any movie that can successfully translate emotion, is a successful movie, and I felt it in Paranormal Activity.

Although the movie had many pros, I was let down by the less than stellar ending. I’ve been told by numerous people, including phil0s0rapt0r’s above review,  that the end is the only frightening part. I completely and whole-heartedly disagree. The whole movie was great., but it was the ending that was not. The ending was… typical of a horror movie. Maybe that is why people found it as the “scary” part. I feel as if everyone has this idea of what a horror movie should be and only allow those typical elements to frighten them. So, when people saw this typical ending, something clicked. They said “yea, that’s what I’ve been waiting for, stuff like this!” Well, you shouldn’t be waiting for anything when you’re watching a movie. You shouldn’t have expectations. That ruins the beauty of the film.

In conclusion, Paranormal Activity is a good film that isn’t for the faint of heart. It has a raw intensity that is only let down by its cliché ending. Not to mention, this thing made a killing at the box office, so bravo and keep the cinéma vérité style films rolling, I love them.

1.5/5 Chezwicks

If you were royalty living in Victorian England, you would want this shoe. partly because you have an insatiable appetite for excess, but also because you love comfort.

If there’s anything wrong with this shoe, it is that there is too much cushioning. I remember many years ago a classmate of mine had some Nike cushioning shoe (it wasn’t the Pegasus) on and remarked, “It feels like I’m walking on clouds!”

No it doesn’t. No Nike shoe I have ever tried felt like I was walking on clouds or even marshmallows. Actually, clouds, contraty to their fluffy appearance, would not be comfortable to walk on since they are made of water vapor. Also, they would not support one’s weight. (It should be noted that Asics likes to name their shoes after clouds– nimbostratus, cumulostratus).

Conclusion: these shoes feel really comfortable, but they seem almost too cushy.

Now this is the story all about how my life in the Vault got flipped– turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute, I’ll give you a hand– and tell you how I became the savior of the wasteland. In Vault 101, born and raised in the atrium where I spent most of my days:

Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, and shooting some radroaches outside of the reactor room. Then, a couple of tunnel snakes were up to no good and started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my dad got scared and then he left me alone in the Vault without telling me where or why he was going, and it caused me great confusion and hardship.

The Overseer’s goons were hot on my trail, so I knew I had to get out of there. I saw my friend Amata and told her I was leavin’; she gave me a kissin’ and she gave me my ticket. I put my Pip-Boy on and said I might as well kick it. First class, yo, this is bad! Drinking irradiated water and looking for my dad. I saw some giant ant shootin’ fire at this dude. Is this what the people of wasteland livin’ like? Hmm, this might be hella rude!

I whistled for a brahmin and when it came near, the saddle said fresh and it had a dice on its ear. If anything I could say that this beast was a big one. But I thought Naw forget it. Yo, homes, to Megaton!

I pulled up to a gate about seven or eight and I yelled to the brahmin, Yo, homes, smell ya later! I looked at my kingdom– I was finally there. But before long a man asked me to detonate a bomb within the city limits and kill everyone for a few hundred units of currency, and so I did.

Overall: 0/5 Chezwicks

I don’t know about you, but I used to watch Saturday morning cartoons. They were the highlight of my weekend when I was younger. I remember one cartoon in particular– Scooby Doo, Where Are You?– taught me some very valuable life lessons.

1. Oftentimes, the “bad guys” are prominent public figures.

How many times have those meddling kids unmasked some sort of grotesque monster, only to discover that behind the mask was some trusted public official or prominent member of society? Mayor Smith, the clerk from the candy store, or even Father Flynn turn out to be the real bad guys. Too frequently the swamp monsters of this world are people we previously put our trust in, and Scooby Doo made sure we knew it.

Think for a moment. How many times have you seen the CEO of a company (Ken Lay, Martha Stewart et al.) indicted because they wanted too much? And how many times have you heard of sex-abuse scandals in the Catholic Church? The politician on a moral crusade against homosexuality and the sanctity of marriage who is either found to be soliciting sex in public restrooms or carrying on elaborate affairs with public money? Or the robust Italian butcher who has been feeding human flesh to his patrons for over seventeen years? Quite a lesson in sociology, quite a lesson indeed.

2. Divide et impera: sometimes it’s better to split up.

Freddie, Daphne, Shaggy, and Velma, along with their “pet” (Ironically, it seems as though they were Scooby’s pets…) would, more often than not, split up to find the monsters. While this is not always a good idea, it worked for them, and it can work for you, too. Here’s how: buy my book, 10 Secrets Every Ghost Hunter Should Know-

Anyway, like I was saying, the gang would usually split up into two or three different groups in order to catch the bad guys. Freddie, Velma, and Daphne would diligently hunt for clues while Scooby and Shaggy smoked a bowl and got the munchies. But through some twist of fate, each time good old Scoob and Shag would end up catching the criminals (often by accident). Somehow, the daring duo would manage to navigate some derelict factory, old mansion, or secret lair while completely fucked out of their minds.

3. It never hurts to check the same place twice.

I can recall several instances (by this I mean at least twice an episode) where the gang would end up examining something suspicious, only to declare that there was nothing to see there, and move on. And like, come on, people. As soon as they walked past, a ghost or something would jump out of the very hiding place they were looking at! It got them every time. Damn.

4. Don’t always ignore the peanut gallery.

Scrappy Doo proved to be a very valuable addition to the gang. He kept his head in dire situations and often solved crimes that Scooby was unable to, whether due to a lack of diligence or just because Scooby was always high. I heard somewhere that Scrappy was the villain in the second live-action movie, but we can’t trust that because that shit was just fucked up. I wouldn’t be surprised if kids cried after watching that crapfest.

5. When the going gets tough, call in the professionals.

If my memory serves me correct, the Harlem Globetrotters aided the crime-solving kids at least once in their careers.

6. Secret passages are more common than you think.

Every shelved book, marble bust, or fireplace facade is a potential activation point for a secret passage. It’s a well-known fact that when villains build their secret lairs, the first thing they consider is secret passage placement. However, most villains fail to be unique, and put their passages in the same old locations. Seriously, how many times do people need to pull an end book from a shelf only to have it open a passage the cocaine storage room before people learn?

7. A little mind expansion never hurt anyone. Well, it never hurt Shaggy.

As established before, the fantastic duo liked to smoke grass. A lot. In fact, I would go so far as to say that they were probably selling the stuff, too. But that’s beside the point. I’d like to see a reunion episode where the cast comes together and Shaggy talks about his drug addiction and Velma her lesbianism. Daphne would be conspicuously absent, but there would be little more than a brief mention of this. Scooby and Scrappy would be dead by this point, considering the lifespan of canines; their stuffed corpses would be wheeled into the room on rollers. The special would end up with Freddie, who is fat and washed up, admitting that he harbored homoerotic feelings toward Shaggy. Also, he would confess to sodomized the dogs on several occasions.

In the world of Pokemon, there are winners and there are losers.  There are Rhydons and there are Jigglypuffs. But five Pokemon in particular stand out for being completely and undeniably badass. But before I get into them, let me explain which parameters I used to select from. All of these Pokemon are selected from the original 151, which were the most badass. After that they became more and more pussified until we wound up with this Mime Junior over there.

So anyway, here are the five most badass Pokemon:

5. Muk

Muk is one badass motherfucker. Part amorphous blob, part radioactive ooze, Muk is pure poison. One thing they don’t mention in the show is that trainers who use Muk mysteriously die of cancer after spending a year or two with these Pokemon. And while they do mention that Muk are basically a collection of toxic sludge, they leave out the fact that the toxic sludge is usually composed of feces, rotting toilet paper, used condoms, and other various disgusting objects one might find floating in the sewers.

Anyone unfortunate enough to be exposed to Muk for extended periods of time will experience the following symptoms: dizziness; explosive diarrhea; uncontrollable, projectile vomiting; radiation poisoning; angst; various STDs; and death.

What’s worse is that if Muk isn’t busy shooting poison sludge into your eyes like you were Wayne Knight in Jurassic Park, he is probably sloshing over to your newborns to smother them with his gelatinous mass.

4. Charizard

A badass ahead of his time, Charizard is one scary monster. Not only is he a fire-breathing, winged lizard-monster (some people would call it a dragon), but he is also a direct descendant of T-Rex, although it has not been scientifically proven. But since there is a lack of supporting evidence, hearsay and speculation will make due.

In the game, Charizard is a dual fire- and flying-type Pokemon, but he gets honorary dragon-type status in my book. I surmise that the developers made his secondary type flying rather than dragon because he is already too much of a badass for anyone to handle.

According to anecdotal evidence, many Charizards have killed and eaten their trainers just for shits and giggles. On top of that, Charizards despise the human race and account for more than ninety-four percent of forest fires. These fires are not accidental, mind you. In fact, Most Charizards escape their hominid slave-drivers at the first opportunity and flee to a sanctuary they have made for themselves in the Sahara desert.

One last note: they have fire on their tails.

3. Gengar

Imagine you are a whimsical and carefree person who always has good dreams and remembers those dreams. But suddenly, you begin to remember less and less about the dreams you have each night. And the parts that you do remember are really fucked up and scary. Instead of dreaming about Lindsay Lohan you have hellish nightmares so scary that no human language has the ability to express them.

As the weeks go by you begin to show symptoms of depression. You lose your appetite, and what you do manage to eat you just vomit back up. You start to piss blood. Your hair begins to fall out and you start to see things that aren’t really there. Or are they? You become bed-ridden, and develop sores from staying in the same place all the time. Eventually, you waste away to what amounts to a zombie– a living corpse, resembling the crypt keeper, but not nearly as funny.

Sounds like your hellish existence was caused by a Gengar using the move Dream-Eater on you! Yeah, this guy is a badass, and no amount of prayer or exorcism will save your ass from the hellish nightmare that is Gengar.

2. Gyarados

Another non-dragon-type to whom I give honorary dragon status, Gyarados is here for one reason and one reason only: to fuck shit up. His unbridled rage comes from one source: the form from which he evolves, Magikarp, is a piece of shit who couldn’t even hurt the simplest of life forms. If (and this is a big if) Magikarp manages to evolve, he is ready to seek revenge on anyone and everyone who has ever wronged him. Equipped with fourteen-inch fangs and the ability to breathe dragon-fire, Gyarados is not one to be fucked with.

Back in the 1500s Gyarados used to kill humans in Asian countries all the time. They have since dwindled in number due to pollution and the inability of Magikarp to evolve. But watch out! The few Gyarados that are still around abhor the human race, who, like Charizard, they see as malevolent captors to be killed at any cost. In fact, they hate humans exponentially more because most trainers abuse Magikarp to no end, thinking it an easy way to gain experience for their shitty Pokemon.

In the rare instance that a qualified trainer manages to gain the trust of a Gyarados, he can likely use it to overthrow any existing world governments.

1. Mewtwo

You knew this was coming. Mewtwo is the most badass Pokemon of all time. He is the single most dangerous Pokemon of all time, and was, of course, created by humans. Look at this motherfucker. With a mere thought, he could kill. That’s right. If he wanted to he could just fucking erase you and any memories of you from existence just by thinking about it. Is he a god? Yes. He also undoubtedly has the ability to alter the very fabric of space and time at will, so there really isn’t a way to stop him.

He was created to be a superweapon, and his creators succeeded. In fact, they did so well that as soon as he was fully cognizant he killed them, probably by impaling them on nearby scientific equipment, driving one up through the anus straight up through the mouth, much like Vlad the Impaler, who is the basis for one of the most badass characters ever, Dracula.

Besides his abilities to do anything he could ever want, Mewtwo is also able to create a boulder so big that not even he could lift it.