If you have either of the new games, Pokémon Soul Silver or Pokémon Heart Gold, then you most undoubtedly have the Pokéwalker. The Pokéwalker is a pedometer that can be used to find items, cheer up your Pokémon, level them up and even catch other Pokémon. Steps are converted into watts, which are the accumulating unit of the game. You need a lot of watts to get the best stuff – upwards of 100,000watts. That is about 1000 miles worth of walking. Even as a distance runner, that would take me at least 15 weeks to accomplish. Now that we have determined that Nintendo is insane, let us move onto my brilliant solutions.

1. The Air Conditioner: People have posted on the internet already about using box fan vibrations to stimulate their walker. They reported an earning of watts, but at a very slow rate. I tried to remedy this using an air conditioner mounted in my window. Instead of using the unit’s vibrations, I instead used the air current. I attached the Pokéwalker to string hung from the ceiling. The Pokéwalker hung just below the current of air coming out of the air conditioner. The string was hanging directly in front of the air conditioner. I attached a sheet of paper to the string so that the air blew it like a flapping tail. This caused the string to jerk and twist, which jostled the Pokéwalker and earned me decent wattage. My mother tore it down before I could report any results, but it is a good method to use.
2. The River (1): The first attempt at the river was unable to be determined a success or a failure. I was thinking of a place of renewable energy. I used my environmental science skills to come up with the basics – wind, geothermal, tidal, solar, hydro. Geothermal and solar would not work, wind is inconsistent and tidal in unavailable. Hydro power is constant and strong. Luckily, I live about 200m from a river. I figured if I can waterproof my Pokéwalker and attach it to a string, it can jostle in the water as the string holds it to an anchor. GENIUS. Fellow Chezwick, Phil0s0rapt0r, and I went down to the river with our waterproofed Pokéwalkers. We crossed the river while some suspicious fly fishermen stared at us. We secured our Pokéwalkers with duct taped string and  anchored them to a tree on the bank. First we tested it and we found that watts were being recorded. Using our boyish enthusiasm, we again tied our Pokéwalkers to the tree and even tied a safety line which we coated in duct tape. The fishermen still stared. A half hour later we came back to show our friend the genius idea and to our surprise, they were gone – the Pokéwalkers and the fishermen.
3. The River (2): After ordering new Pokéwalkers, we returned to the same spot on the river. We came armed with much more adhesive tape and nylon rope. We thoroughly secured the Pokéwalkers to the rope and they bobbed wonderfully. We checked them periodically for about five days. After the fifth day, I went a retrieved the Pokéwalkers. To my dismay, they were saturated. Our waterproofing had failed and the Pokéwalkers were soaked. Phil0s0rapt0r’s Pokéwalker’s screen was blank and it would not respond. My Pokéwalker read “Ludwig cheered!” but was frozen and would also not respond. I sighed in defeat as I let them dry in the sun. Determined not to be defeated, I figured mine still had life since the display was still operating. I took it apart and removed the battery.  I dried it out and put it back it. Bingo. 9,999 watts. Phil0s0rapt0r’s Pokéwalker was more difficult to fix. The battery was corroded and the entire unit had water pouring out of it. Not to mention I had to drill out the screws because they stripped as I tried to loosen them. I took the entire thing apart, washed the board with ethanol, cleaned away the corrosion with a q-tip, dried it with a hair dryer, and voilà. It worked, but the watts were lost.
4. The River (3): We have found the river to be the most successful Pokéwalker cheater on the planet. It provide constant, free energy and it is open to the public. Waterproofing seems the most difficult part, but using a plastic bottle with a screw top (like a peanut butter jar) should solve that (why did we not think of this?). I do not suggest duct tape, it seems to loosen in water – mine may have just sucked though. Test your tapes, but I found the USPS Priority mailing tape held up well in the water – although it did not waterproof well. Three things – good water-resistant tape, a plastic airtight container and heavy-duty rope. Now you just need a river and you are good to go. I’ll report back after our next attempt.

Over and out.

Inception

Topping the charts for the second weekend in a row is Inception. I have really, really been lagging in blog posts this summer (good thing I went skydiving so I had something to talk about), so I really need to do a review of this before it gets so old that it’s irrelevant. Speaking of reviews, Inception came in with an 86% at Rotten Tomatoes, a bit shy of the stellar 93% of The Dark Knight. But even still, at this point in time, Chris Nolan might just be the most bankable director in Hollywood. And you add in a star-studded cast as well as an intriguing and original story, that’s a recipe for success.

Inception held well this weekend, dropping 31% to 43.5 million. For a blockbuster in this day and age to drop just 31% is very impressive. There was always a worry that Nolan’s diehard fans would rush out and then the film would cave or perhaps it would be “too smart” for the average filmgoer, as some critics saw the film. But no worries. It’s a bona fide hit. Up to 144 million now, it’s got a fairly easy path ahead of it. If it continues to match or even better its hold this weekend, 250 million is definitely possible. Hell, Inception is practically its own genre, so it won’t really face any direct competition from anything. It should play very, very well throughout the rest of the summer.

Salt

How the hell is that attractive? She doesn’t even look anything like that ordinarily. She normally looks even worse. I have never, ever thought Angelina Jolie was attractive and I have always hated her guts. From the time when she was making out with her brother for attention to now, when she is slowly becoming absolutely disgustingly hideous. And yet, everyone seems to keep pretending that she is still attractive. I don’t get it. I watched all those trailers for Salt and was just amazed at how ugly she was. Brad Pitt should’ve stayed with Jennifer Aniston. She was way hotter to begin with and she’s aged thousands of times better. Aniston, at 41, is still quite hot. Angelina, at 35, never was hot to begin to with. Those inhumanly gigantic lips, her reptilian facial structure, her skin and bones body. Is that really what is attractive to the average American? Like, really? Fuck it all. Oh right, Salt made 36.5 million. A bit of a disappointment, a noticeable downturn from Wanted, and hopefully it can fall apart in the weeks to come.

Proving that once again animation plus 3-D is pretty much a surefire recipe for success, Despicable Me is now marching toward topping 200 million. Down 27% to 24 million this weekend, the total now sits at 162 million. It will face 3-D competition from Cats & Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore and Step Up: -D, but do those really count? Then again, reminding myself that Americans are idiots, both will likely be smashing successes. Sigh, I can’t fight it.

In fourth is The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, which has moved from disappointment last weekend to all out bomb this weekend. It fell 45% to 9.7 million for a total of just 43 million against a 150 million budget. This is going to have kick some major ass overseas to have any chance of profitability, but no matter what, it will still probably be a bomb.

The year’s highest grossing film (you can not imagine how happy I am that Alice in Wonderland will not be this year’s highest grossing movie), Toy Story 3, continues to chug right along, earning another 9 million after declining 25% from last weekend. Its gross is now up to 380 million and it should find its way over 400 million in the weeks to come.

Selena Gomez was recently able to celebrate her 18th birthday, but there’s not much to celebrate concerning her first major movie role, as Ramona and Beezus, makes just 8 million. Keep on trying, Selena. Just don’t whore yourself out like Miley.

Down 23% and earning 7.6 million this weekend, Grown Ups lifts its total to 142 million. For how amazingly unfunny this film looked, that total is simply stunning.

A Twilight film may never get over 300 million, but Eclipse might be their best shot. Another 7 million this weekend brings it up to just shy of 280 million. It may or may not claw its way over that 300 million barrier. Frankly,  I am stunned that these Twilight films are able to virtually match Harry Potter in terms of gross. Granted, Harry has kept this momentum up over six films versus Twilight’s three and Harry utterly devastates Bella when you look at worldwide grosses, but still. Those fangirls are crazy.

And wow, we may yet see a sequel to The Last Airbender. Spurred on almost entirely by fans of the cartoon and perhaps people with a bile fascination, The Last Airbender has quietly made a respectable 123 million. That’s still shy of its budget and all, but it might just be enough to convince Paramount to give the go-ahead for another film. But, let’s up, one not directed by M. Night Shymalyn. If I spelled his name wrong, I don’t care. I won’t be bothered to spell his name right because he couldn’t be bothered to correctly pronounce the names of the characters in the movie.

Finally, in tenth, we have Predators, an attempt to revitalize an ailing franchise that will likely fail in its attempt. It was a solid, if simple, action flick. It was down 60% this weekend and made 2.9 million. Its grand total is only 46 million, but then again, the budget was only 40 million, which is pretty low in this day and age. So we may yet see the return of the proud Predators.

So, there you have it, Inception holds well and manages to keep Salt out of the top spot, for which I am incredibly thankful. And aside from that, nothing too noteworthy happened this weekend. Summer is now in wind-down mode and we are pretty going to get nothing but crap. For next weekend:

Cats & Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore: This is one the films that really makes me question what is wrong with humanity. It’s fine if these films are made for and seen by kids, but their grosses indicate that a lot more than kids go to see these. And that makes me sad. This will probably make way more money than it ever should.

Dinner for Schmucks: I like both Paul Rudd and Steve Carell (kudos to him for leaving The Office; it’s well past its prime anyway), but I don’t think this looks that funny. I’ll definitely wait on the reviews.

Charlie St. Cloud: I quite like Zac Efron actually. Nice to see him trying something more dramatic, as well as trying to anchor it on his own. I don’t expect this to make much, but who knows, it could be a mid size success. And with that, I’m out. Until we meet again.

I lack an actual, physically written or typed bucket list. However, I have in my mind a number of that I definitely want to do before I kick the bucket. Some are completely ridiculous, like setting foot on the moon. Others are more down to earth (how about that for a pun?). Dying scares the hell out of me and, as an atheist, I’m pretty damn sure that there’s nothing after death. So a bucket list is pretty important, as I definitely want to make sure that I use my time on earth to do a lot of shit, some a lot riskier than others.

I think I would call myself a bit of a closet adrenaline junkie. I’ve always loved roller coasters and other rides, as well as pretty much anything that will get my heart rate really pumping. If I had the time and money, I would be all over just traveling the world and do all sorts of crazy things, like bungee jumping, rock/mountain climbing, base jumping, etc. The one and only thing I think I would never do is go spelunking (you know, cave diving?) because, though it took me about nineteen years to admit, I’m actually pretty claustrophobic and being deep in a cave or the like would kind of freak me out. But maybe I’ll do it anyway just to face and overcome that fear. And base jumping into the Cave of Swallows seems like one of the coolest things ever.

Anyway, at this time I suppose I should clarify that I what I hope to become a recurring blog in the future with this Bucket List thing is not about things I want to do. It’s about things that I have done. So any time that I make Bucket List entry, it’s one more thing that I can check off on the long, long road toward fulfilling my many life’s goals. So, obviously, this means that I went skydiving. Allow me to cover in detail the entire experience, as it may have been the single greatest experience of my entire life.

I’d wanted to skydive for a few years now, but I highly doubted I’d find anyone else interested and plus I didn’t really have the money. Skydiving can be mighty expensive, especially if you want to get it filmed. However, I finally got my first job about a month ago (hell, getting a job was a bucket list item in itself) and a friend of mine who I haven’t hung out with much since high school was trying to gather interest in skydiving. I definitely wanted to go and told him I was all for it. He set up the appointment and then it was time to anxiously anticipate the big day.

We arrived at Endless Mountain Skydiving and I still wasn’t really getting that nervous. In fact, I was more nervous about telling my parents that I was going skydiving than the actual act itself. But that’s not that important. Anyway, we watched a brief video about all the risks and stuff like that. Following that was a huge amount of paperwork where one is basically required to waive every legal right one possesses. I appreciated the frankness of the worker there who said something along the lines of “All right, now these are in case anything happens to you, including injury or even death, that you do not sue us.” No point in dancing around the issue, right?

Following signing my life away, we were given an instruction course on the equipment and the procedure, which included things like proper body position and whatnot. After that, the time was finally upon us. My friend had not succeeded in gathering a large number of people. I had expected more, but no one was able to join due to various reasons such as work, not having the money or most likely, being too scared. Though perhaps I’m being a bit haughty saying that. My friend’s sister was the first of us to go and it was incredible watching her descend from the sky, but I was mostly concentrating on the fact that I would soon be jumping out of a plane.

I got my harness on and got all geared up. This was it; there was pretty much no turning back now. I entered the plane with the skydiving instructor and soon after, we took off. We circled around the general area for around fifteen or so minutes while slowly climbing higher. The plane itself was pretty cramped and had barely any room, but it’s a minor complaint really. Even at this time, I wasn’t all that nervous. I was just embracing what was about to happen. Oddly enough, my main and only fear was that the plane would suddenly and inexplicably explode. I have no idea why that popped into my head, but it did. Odd….

When we reached our maximim altitude, 11,000 feet or about two miles above the ground, the instructor (to whom I was strapped ridiculously tight, but concerns about safety far, far outweighed any lingering feelings about any possible homoerotic nature of it) pulled open the door and for the first and only time, I actually became a little scared. We were so high up that the temperature was only in the 40s and the wind was gushing like crazy. I looked down at the ground and thought to myself, holy shit, I’m about to jump out of a fucking plane. The actual process of exiting the plane is really more like falling than actually jumping. I couldn’t hear anything that was going on right now and I barely made out a sentence from the instructor that ended in the word “good,” so I wasn’t sure if he said the current spot was good or no good. But I didn’t have much time to think because next thing I knew, the plane tilted and we were on our way out the door.

So let me just say that the actual sensation of skydiving is pretty much completely beyond words. Like I said, we were suddenly falling from the plane and we did a flip as we came out and then evened out a bit. I, perhaps unwisely, looked straight down at the ground, utterly dumbfounded at what was actually happening. I was falling through the fucking sky at terminal velocity thousands of feet in the air. It was unbelievable. Simply incredible. The feeling of skydiving is like nothing else one experiences in life and the only real way to understand is to actually do it.

During the freefall, it seemed like every single worry, every single nagging regret that I had in my life simply disappeared. I almost even forgot about the instructor strapped to my back. It was just me, hurtling through the sky, feeling more free than I ever had in my entire life. The thought that I could die so briefly entered my mind and I found that I didn’t even care. After all, you’re going to die someday anyway and getting killed while doing something as awesome as skydiving is a cool way to go out, right? But the feeling of being so completely removed from anything normal or mundane or humdrum, any of the average every day activities, the hustle and bustle of the world below me was incomprehensibly liberating. It truly felt like nothing else mattered. It is the ultimate escape, the ultimate thrill.

For anyone with an adrenaline junkie streak, anyone with a bucket list or anyone who just wants to push their own personal limits, I highly, highly recommend sky diving. It really might have been the single greatest experience of my entire life. As I detailed above, the feeling is just….. really, one has to do it to get an idea what it’s truly like. That first moment when the plane tilts and you’re hurled from the plane, entering freefall, it’s all just amazing. Unfortunately, the freefall itself is only about 45 seconds or so before the parachute is pulled. Following that, it’s a three or four minute nice parachute ride down to the ground. The instructor briefly let me take the reigns and steer the parachute for a little bit. It was awesome.

Finally, we landed safely back on the ground. It wasn’t the smoothest landing ever, as we slid on the ground a wee bit, but it wasn’t too bad. Sure could’ve been a lot worse. Following my jump, my two friends went and then the day was finally over. All four of us all agreed that it was astonishing adventure that truly just begs to be experienced. And we all also agreed that we’d do it again. I just wish it wasn’t so damn expensive. But even still, perhaps it might become a yearly tradition. That would be awesome. And maybe if I can get a good job out of college and save up some money, I might go for my skydiving license and be able to jump solo. But, then again, I kind of want to get Ph.D in philosophy and I’d need to go to grad school for that. Then I’d spend the rest of my life paying off loans. Oh well.

But, as you see, now that I’m back on the ground, I find myself concerned with earthly things again, especially my future. That’s part of what made skydiving so incredible. That escape. The departure from every single worry or fear, that total abandonment. And knowing that I’ve done it, participated in what is arguably the greatest thrill there is, is something that can never be taken away. I don’t quite think I’d call skydiving “life-changing,” as that would require a fair bit of retrospect, but all I know is that it was one of the best experiences of my entire life, I sure as hell want to do it again and I really recommend it to anyone who thinks that they can handle it.

Until we meet again.

In the saga’s third installment, Eclipse seemed to get everything right. It stayed true to the book and added certain lines and action scenes that trumped the book. Director David Slade (30 Days of Night) delivered a badass fight scene at the end and a great opening to the movie that made me feel better about myself as a man watching these movies and reading these books (It didn’t do much but it kind of helped). Bryce Dallas Howard played Victoria this time around and did a decent job.  However, I think Rachelle Lefevre would have done a better job as Victoria. One of Victoria’s main features is her attractiveness and this is where Howard has Lefevre beat but Howard just doesn’t look evil. Lefevre has that natural evil look. I think that feature is more important.

The rest of the actors got the job done (No extraordinary performances here). Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, and Robert Pattinson did a nice job and seem to be comfortable together. Jackson Rathbone (Jasper) had an on again off again Southern accent that was non-existent in the first two movies. Billy Burke put together another solid performance as Bella’s father Charlie. I just like Charlie because he’s the most human character in the movie, which makes him relatable. Much like the actors in Harry Potter, the cast of Twilight has grown and gelled.

I feared they would try to slap this movie together but it seemed as though they just knew what they were doing. Slade added darkness to a film that needed truly needed it. Two lines were added to the movie that I don’t think were in the book. One was “Doesn’t he own a shirt?” or something along those lines and when Jacob told Edward “I am hotter than you.”

“The clouds I can handle but I can’t fight with an eclipse,” was my favorite line of the book but it wasn’t used in the movie. This confused me considering it’s the name of the movie and it’s surprisingly an excellent metaphor.

Eclipse is a solid movie as far as Twilight movies go. They took every boring part about the book and shortened it, which made it less boring. It’s without a doubt the best of the series so far.

2.5 chezes out of 5 , which for a Twilight movie really isn’t so bad.

I can’t wait to see Breaking Dawn: Part 1 in 3D!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sarcasm if you didn’t catch it)

See ya.

Blue Dragon is an RPG for the Xbox 360 that did not live up to it’s expectations. If you have a few 40 hours to kill, as well as the patience to defeat wave after wave of unchallenging opponents, then this is the game for you. You start off as Shu, an energetic boy who’s town is plagued by a land shark. This land shark is an ancient machine from a civilization who used magic, and is one of the thousands of machines you will face. The land shark is destroying Shu’s town, so with his pocket knife, a net, and Jiro (another main character), he plans on saving the world from the land shark. Well after a few mishaps, it’s discovered that a powerful being known as Nene is causing havoc all over the world. You acquire the use of shadow magic, but obviously can not beat the powerful Nene, so you get away. You spend the rest of the 3 discs becoming stronger, gaining allies, and trying to figure out what it is Nene is really after.

The visuals on the game look great. The cut scenes are very colorful and detailed. The fighting also looks great, and class selection can be fun. There are several different classes for your shadow to learn such a sword user, black magic, white magic, and my favorite, the assassin class. Mixing and matching classes can be entertaining, and is the best part of the game, yet that’s not saying much. This game has a major flaw. It’s either too easy, or unmerciful. The caves or ancient factories you enter a filled to the brim with monsters. These monsters however, can be destroyed with almost no skill. You almost can’t die, and even if you do die during battle, afterward, you are revived. The sword class provides a skill that heals you as you attack and the white magic class allows you to heal as you walk. With these skills, health is almost never a problem. On the other hand, there are instances which require your team to be in perfect condition. Monsters attacking with instant death attacks, killing your party without even letting you get started.

With it’s colorful design, fun characters, interesting storyline, and monsters such as Poo Snake, it seems almost obvious that this game is geared towards kids. This would be true if it wasn’t for Shu’s dirty mouth. Shu curses all during the first disc, but after that, it appears as if he found a new vocabulary. The game was fairly simple to learn. It has all the elements of an RPG, but it is just boring. On my play through, it took me around 38 hours. This was not even finding all of the treasures. After the game is beaten once you can play a new game with all of your characters buffed up. This may sound like fun, but unless you are in love with lackluster fighting, you will only find it frustrating to beat the simplistic enemies, again. If you want to pick up this game to maybe play a quick game and win some achievements, then run far away from this. On the my play through, I ended with a total of 35 achievement points out of 1000. The game had three and only three good points. The visuals, the classes, and the decent storyline. Playing the game feels like more of a chore then enjoying the game. I simply wanted it to end, so that I could see how it ended. The story was a bit crazy at times, and parts just did not make any sense, such as the entire ending. This game did suck me in and would not let me leave it be so for that it gets 4.5 out of 5 chezwicks.

Instead of seeing Toy Story 3 for the third time, I decided to take a risk and see the only movie at my theatre that I knew nothing about – The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. My girlfriend and I snuck into the theatre and with no surprise to me that it was completely empty. It was the two of us sitting in a small theatre at the latest showing in the far corner of the complex. The film screen went off and the curtain started to close. I feared we were detected since no tickets were sold for the event, but they were just formatting the screen. Our night would be plagued by noises of staff members wandering around the innards of our theatre as they waited for the latest movie to end. It made the film a lot creepier than it ever should have been.

The film started to roll and I noticed that the opening credits held many peculiar names. Their positions were not spelled in English, so I came to the quick realization that the film will be in subtitles. Ah! It is a foreign film, that is why no one is here, that is why we’re in the far corner of the complex! It all made sense.

Mikael Blomkvist (Michael Nyqvist) is a journalist for a liberal magazine that makes accusations against a billionaire Swedish industrialist, Hans-Erik Wennerström. His sources fail and after losing in court he is sentenced to prison. Meanwhile, in waiting period, Blomkvist is called to Henrik Vanger’s assistance to investigate a cold case in which his niece, Harriet Vanger, disappeared forty years ago. Vanger promises a handsome reward and proof of Wennerström’s wrong doings. Blomkvist reluctantly agrees and uses his investigative prowess to piece together the mystery. He does not do it alone. Lisbeth Salander (Noomi Rapace) did work for Wennerström to investigate Blomkvist, but later on she becomes curious of Blomkvist’s current case and ends of helping him. Salander is emotionally disturbed, antisocial and a ward of the state. I do not want to ruin the plot, but this movie gets seriously fucked up. Neo-Nazis, rapists and murder are all going to make MANY appearances in this one. Buckle up your seat belts for this one as it is quite disturbing.

I do have to say that it is hard to judge their acting abilities since it was in a different language. Michael Nyqvist displayed zero emotion throughout the film, but I am unsure whether his character is supposed to be like that or he just lacks skill. Noomi Rapace did a somewhat better job but still, she also lacked emotion but her character did as well so it may have been skill on her part. A lot of the supporting character did great jobs to tell you the truth, even surpassing the skills of the lead roles.

The lengthy film clocked in at two and half hours, but it kept my interests all the way through (I have a long attention span, but even my girlfriend, who usually falls asleep, was wide awake for this one). Director Niels Arden Oplev crafted an excellently paced film. The clues rolled in at an even pace and the mystery was slowly revealed. All of a sudden, bam, a revelation would occur that just throws the plot out of whack. There were many surprises as such and it really gave this long and dramatic film an oomph that it needed. Blomkvist and Salander had a relationship that was incredibly weird. Salander is, I guess, a bisexual and Blomkvist is married or was or something? I don’t know. The climax of the film strikes home perfectly, but the aftermath was a little lengthy for my liking.

My Cheers: Compelling plot. Good story. Neo-Nazis. Disturbing, yet interesting. Developed world, characters, settings and atmosphere. Great climax, unexpected outcome.

My Jeers: Poor acting (as far as I could tell). Awkward relationship between Blomkvist and Salander. Unnecessary rape and violence? Long aftermath.

Overall: I was glad I took the risk to to see this film. It mainly had ups instead of downs. The plot is a mystery and it is hard for my to say anything without spoiling it, but the Vanger’s hold many interesting, albeit disturbing, secrets. I really enjoyed the skill of Salander and Blomkvist as they ripped through the investigation. “Plague,” the obese hacker, was a personally favorite of mine. Anyway, I think this movie is great diversion from the norm of American-made titles. It is good to see a foreign film every now and again to change the pace. Now, it is time for Inception.

0.75/5 Chezwicks (8.5/10)

I wonder if this movie will do as well as the first. Even though I wasn’t such a fan, I do enjoy shitting my pants because the movie lulls me into a false sense of security and then something fucked up pops out. I expect there to be a lot of that in Paranormal Activity 2. It’s like those animated .gifs that trick you into staring at them and then have a demon or something pop out.

But since this is a sequel, it will probably be a piece of shit. Horror movies in general are shitty; The Grudge is a shining example, and its sequel demonstrates how utter shit can become even shittier the second time around. The Grudge 2 wallowed in feces. Another example: The Ring, which I thought was well-done and moderately scary (and imbued in me a fear of horses) had a balls-awful sequel. But Paranormal Activity falls into the sub-genre that was popularized by The Blair Witch Project, which I like to call the mock-reality movie. These movies seems to fare pretty well; in addition perhaps some things that weren’t so great about the first movie will be corrected, and because of that I am preemptively giving Paranormal Activity 2 the following score:

Also: large-breasted demons? We can only hope.

Dear Jonah Hill, Russell Brand and Rose Byrne,

I love you.

Sincerely,
Jason Bohenek

Although Get Him to the Greek was exactly what I thought it was going to be, it was a good thing it was. I had high expectations going to see this movie. The plot seemed outrageous. It was a broad enough concept that left plenty of room for incredible comedy. It included two comedic dynamos – Jonah Hill and Russell Brand – two of my personal favorites. Sergio Roma (played by Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Sean Combs or whatever the fuck he is called this week) is looking for a new big thing for his company, Pinnacle Records. The young employee Aaron Green (Jonah Hill) suggests that they revive washed-up rock star Aldous Snow (Russell Brand) with an anniversary concert at the Greek Theatre. Roma thinks Green is in an idiot and lets him know that, but gives the go ahead. Green is then tasked to personally escort Snow from his home in London to the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles. I am sure I do not have to tell you that things get out of hand quickly.

Brand is born for the rock star role. He is British. Check. He is skinny. Check. And he has a superb ability to act with emotion. Check. The character Aldous Snow made his first appearance in 2008′s Forgetting Sarah Marshall, in which he played a fantastic role. I was glad to get more of this character and I hope he comes back to the screens. He is your typical rock star. He gets wasted all the time, he has a fucked up family, illegitimate children and strong emotional problems. Green is a young employee and big music fan. He lives with his fiancée, Daphne Binks (Elisabeth Moss), but their relationship turns sour before he leaves to get Snow. Some strange shit happens concerning Green and Binks that I will not get into.

The movie was quite hilarious from start to finish just because of the great chemistry between Snow and Green. Snow wants to have a good time while Green does not want to get fired by his crazy boss, Sergio Roma. Sean Combs has absolutely convinced me that he has star potential on the big screen. I do not think he can play a different role other than the one he played in Get Him to the Greek, but he played it fantastically. His character was a complete asshole with an incredibly vulgar mouth. Congratulations, P. Diddy, on a job well done. I must say that Jonah Hill and Russell Brand also do not have that much ability in playing different characters. They are no Philip Seymour Hoffman, but hey, who is?

Watching Green go to the lengths that he does in order to advance his mission is hilarious. The film succeeded on all levels of funny and I have to say that it was exactly what I wanted – a hilarious, over the top movie and it was just that, nothing more and nothing less. Rose Byrne played a sexy “Jackie Q,” Aldous’ former pop star wife. She contributed some borderline pornographic music videos that I thoroughly enjoyed. The songs were hilarious and very well done I might add.  Here is “Ring Round” and “Supertight”

“Some blokes say that one hole is more than enough!
Then why did God give me two? Not including my muff.
If you’ve got a pretty face and a pretty fanny too, you will find the most prestigious blokes are lining up to meet you!” – “Ring Round”
“I’m A zombie
You knocked me from my grave
You took me out of africa
and made me your slave
Your too tight
like a wet vase
your pussy is a crucifix
my cock is like christ” – Aldous Snow “Supertight”

“This song is gonna get serious
run your bow against my clitoris
ride me inside me supertight
boom boom shake the room like it’s dynamite” – Jackie Q “Supertight”

Aldous Snow also had some excellent songs, including the career ending, “African Child.” “There’s sunshine in my veins, my kitchens filled with flies.” The Infant Sorrow album was completed (it is the Get Him to the Greek soundtrack) and the whole album can be found here. I might go buy this.

My Cheers: Get Him to the Greek was everything that I wanted and more. Byrne, Brand, Hill and Combs all did fantastic jobs. The music videos were a fantastic addition to an already stellar film.

My Jeers: The bit with Green and Binks should have been dropped. I feel like that was a tumorous side story that was completely unnecessary and was just trying to inject some romance and morality into a rather vulgar movie. I would prefer just the vulgarity, thank you. These are the only jeers I got for you.

Overall: Director & writer Nicholas Stoller did a great job making this the funniest film of the year so far. I hope the character Aldous Snow returns for another film, because Brand was just born for the role. Get Him to the Greek was everything that I wanted and more. I highly suggest you see this film if you have not already. It is a stellar comedy that will make you laugh with the outright ridiculous antics of Aldous Snow and the corrective measures of Aaron Green. Not to mention Sergio Roma was played excellently by the new actor, but not new face, Sean Combs – it’s about time he stopped being so damn serious.

This movie “rocked,” literally. 1/2 Chez (9/10)

I have been itching for a good sci-fi movie and Splice satisfied, even if in a sick disturbing way. Splice is not what you think it is, plain and simple. It is a rather original film in which two biochemists, Clive Nicoli (Adrian Brody) and Elsa Kast (Sarah Polley), are trying to synthesize cancer-curing proteins. Basically, they are trying to synthesize a new miracle medicine for the world. To do this they are splicing genes and creating strange organisms. To get this done most successfully, they secretly splice genes with the human genome and get themselves in whole heap o’ trouble.

Before you see this film, please heed my warning: this film will disturb you. I am a pretty sick guy and this film has disturbed my quite a bit. It was rather grotesque and arabesque, but not in the normal matter in which you would think. This “creature,” which they name Dren, does not go on a killing spree throughout a laboratory. In fact, she does the exact opposite of killing… but I will not ruin the movie for you. Even though I left the theatre with somewhat of a blank expression and downward stare, I was pleased that I was disturbed. The film made me think, which I think should be a goal for all film makers.

On a technical level, Splice had some room to improve. I really enjoyed the soundtrack that complimented the nerdy atmosphere (expect to see some base sequences and big words in this one). The acting was sub par, but Brody was the shining light in the rather lackluster crowd. I have to complain that the film had gender stereotypes in it. What I mean by this is that you can expect each characters reaction to a situation by their gender. Polley’s acting was not good and her character was rather annoying, if not pathological. I thought some of the choices in the plot were poor such as the creature evolution. Also, the film became a little stupid near the end.

Splice was a good original concept that suffered from poor acting and poor characters. If the characters were vastly improved, including their relationships, the film would have greatly benefited. Besides the two main characters, the supporting characters were flat and static. They barely even had any lines. Had this movie been “fleshed” (pun intended) out a little more, the drama and horror would have been amplified to a point that would have made this a true gem. Since this was not the case, I would definitely suggest it as a good rental, but warning – not for the faint of heart, it is disturbing.

My Cheers: I was disturbed. It makes you think. Good soundtrack. Original content.

My Jeers: Poor acting. Poor supporting characters. Poor characters that made poor decisions. Gender stereotypes. Poor creature evolution choices (wings = useless moment of film). It also got a little typical when “she went man.” Also, how could one not see that coming with the explicit foreshadowing?

Overall: Splice was a good original concept that suffered from poor acting and poor characters. If the characters were vastly improved, including their relationships, the film would have greatly benefited. Besides the two main characters, the supporting characters were flat and static. They barely even had any lines. Had this movie been “fleshed” (pun intended) out a little more, the drama and horror would have been amplified to a point that would have made this a true gem. Since this was not the case, I would definitely suggest it as a good rental, but warning – not for the faint of heart, it is disturbing.

1.75 / 5 Chezwicks (6.5/10)

Vampires are all the rage these days, led by the unstoppable juggernaut that is the Twilight franchise. The third film in the saga, Eclipse, opens this week and will likely set the record books aflame. As Americans like to do, pretty much everyone has decided to hop on the vampire bandwagon and now they’re everywhere. You’ve got Twilight, True Blood, Daybreakers, The Vampire Diaries, etc. They’re everywhere. And they are moving increasingly toward becoming prettier, more “human” creatures that all the teenage fangirls can swoon over. And this is why Let the Right One In, a film adaptation of a 2004 Swedish book, is a remarkable breath of fresh air.

The film’s protagonist is a troubled twelve-year-old boy named Oskar. His home life is anything but stable and he is repeatedly on the receiving end of bullying at school. He spends many of his nights alone in the lot by his apartment. It’s made all the more poignant considering the story takes place in the cold and snow-covered Sweden. One night while sitting by the playground, Oskar encounters a young girl named Eli. Immediately, there’s something strange about her. She doesn’t wear shoes and has an inexplicable smell about her. Despite that, Oskar is drawn to her.

Despite Eli’s initial apprehension, Oskar and Eli do ultimately strike up a friendship. The two twelve-year-olds are on the cusp of adolescence and find themselves entering into a new period in their lives, but puberty is the least of their problems. As they grow closer, both of their situations grow worse. Oskar suffers more abuse and Eli, well, that’s a long story. Oskar eventually learns that Eli is in fact a vampire and has been one for a very long time. She’s essentially stuck in her twelve year old body as a result.

Let the Right One In does not butcher vampire lore like the Twilight franchise has. Eli has super strength and speed, as well as sharp teeth. She needs to feed on blood to survive, but is not a “vegetarian” vampire. Vampires burst into flame upon seeing sunlight. Eli consumes the blood of human beings repeatedly throughout the movie, often rather viciously. Despite this, the film still portrays her as sympathetic and you find yourself somehow rooting for her anyway. After all, it’s not a life she chose. She simply has accept the circumstances of her life, no matter grim and gruesome they may be.

And it is certainly gruesome. LTROI does not try to paint a vampire as a pretty, perhaps even likable creature. Instead, it truly shows the savage nature of a creature that needs human blood to survive. Most of the violence is off screen and there’s not much gorn. I won’t spoil much of the movie, as it does contain a rather….. interesting, I would say, plot development and the climax will stay with you for days. I highly recommend the film as it shows how a vampire can still be shown in a sympathetic light, how one can be liked by the audience without losing the classic creature’s true horrible nature.

But the movie is not for the faint of heart and would likely be hated by most fans of the modern vampire craze. An American remake, entitled Let Me In, will be coming out later this year, with Chloe “Hit-Girl” Moretz. I’m wary of this remake for a number of reasons. The main thing that worries me is if the remake will be able to show the same level of class and restraint as the original Swedish film. Considering that, after all, this is America, I doubt it. Furthermore, the first trailer for the it is supposedly going to be attached to Eclipse. I can only hope the creators aren’t seriously going to try to appeal to the Twilight audience. Let Me In demands an R-rating and the story demands far more attention and respect that anything that Vampires have been seen in recently. I highly recommend Let the Right One In to anyone who is the mood for a real vampire film that isn’t afraid to show the darker sides of human beings and what would really happen if vampires actually existed.

I give it a half chez.